Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I Had To Beg For It

A blog topic for today, that is! I sent out a Twitter, asking for any ideas.

One idea - a very good one - came almost immediately, but that one will take me a few days to complete. I will get to it, though.

A second idea - delivered by direct message - suggested this: Write about either: Second chances in life. Or a time in your life when your first impression about someone was wrong.

Since I'm a selfish bitch who has had more than my fair share of 2nd (3rd, 4th, etc.) chances in life with my loved ones, and I'm too hell bent on carrying a grudge than extending that same luxury to most others, I'm a bit ashamed to broach the first topic.

I consider myself to be a very intuitive person. I can "read" people easy and fast. In fact, I can tell in about 5 minutes when I meet a new person if they are worthy of my time or not.

But, I'm also a fair person and will give a person a chance or two to relay information where I might change my mind on them.

One time, I didn't give someone a second chance to make an impression right away. (I guess I am mixing chances and impressions here).

Back when I was at the university, I met a guy. The guy was dating a girl who I considered a hanger-on, and a bit of a skank. I asked him to come with me and he left with me and stayed with me.

And, here's where my story gets muddled. I thought SHE was bad news. I thought HE was the love of my life.

I married him. She ended up getting pregnant by someone else and we often saw her falling off barstools drunk in her delicate condition. She gave birth to a healthy baby girl, whose open adoption had been pre-arranged.

In my cynical manner, I just assumed she got pregnant and gave the baby up for adoption for the amounts of cash the very wealthy adoptive parents were throwing her way.

In the meantime, my husband began to drink more and more. He couldn't hold a job and he often used me as a punching bag.

Now, how was I better off at this point? That's all hindsight now. I realize my folly and feel the appropriate amount of shame and outrage I should have felt at the time.

I ended up leaving him after only 17 months of marriage. It was such a farce. Such a ridiculously stupid mistake on my part.

The above mentioned girl and I actually took time to get to know one another better during this time. It turned out, she was a very nice person and I regretted the way I had treated her.

She and I have limited contact.

Things would be better if she wasn't married to a controlling man who monitors her every move. They have a son together (who is Buddy's age), so I think she stays for their child.

It makes me feel sad for her and a bit guilty. Here I am in a stable, loving, long term relationship where there is much reciprocation (i.e. we give one another the freedom to enjoy our lives both together and separately and we're good with that and she is in a one-sided, controlling relationship and deserves much better).

So, yeah, after I gave her a SECOND chance, I realize how wrong my FIRST impression had been.

I'm gonna have to chalk that lack of intuition up to too much partying at university, rash decision making and not enough time listening to my inner voice.

Ever since that time in my life, I've realized I needed to give people more of an opportunity to prove themselves worthy or worthless.

Thanks to my bud, B, for the topic! Very intense and it really made me think. :-)


  1. excellent post ! wow! its blown me away xx

  2. Bravo! Well done Etw, I knew straight away that you were a keeper.xx♥

  3. That was a great post. It really helps to get to know "you" more. Sometimes our intuition can be way off but you thought you were doing the right thing by following your heart. And you learned from it. So that is great! :)

  4. Wow, you first impression thing must be totally whacked out or something. I mean really you're still talking to me and everything. :)

  5. That's a great story, ETW - you are so awesome!!!

  6. Maybe your first impressions wasn't wrong, maybe she changed over time. Maybe by being associated with "Mike Tyson" (hubby 1) she dealt with it by drinking and acting out. I'm pretty sure that others would say something was "off" with you while you were married to this guy.
    Who we surround ourselves with, drastically affects our actions and attitudes.

  7. Wow, that blew me away. I really don't know what to say.

  8. I APPLAUD you for having the courage to tell this and for being able to apologize and admit when and where you were wrong. That's not easy to do.

  9. that's very inspiring. It makes me wonder how i'm received, but also the snap judgments I might make.

  10. Wow! I had no idea you had been through that. Tough stuff.

    I think I am going to steal this topic for a post this week. If you don't mind. ;-)

    Hell, even if you do mind, I will probably steal it, but you will get your credit!

  11. Lisa - Thanks. Hard one to write.

    Natalie - Awww. I try to be a good person.

    Lisha - Definitely a learning experience.

    Ron - You can't fool me.

    Momma - Thanks.

    JA - I think all along she was a good person, but I was jealous and couldn't see past that. But, you could be right on some levels, too.

    The Girl - I have as many skeletons in my closet as the next person. :-)

    kenju - you know, I hadn't thought about this in a long time. It was good to get it out! :-)

    Maura - just try to listen to your "inner voice". :-)

    Karen - I would love to read your thoughts on this topic, so steal away! :-)

  12. That's quite a story. Thanks for sharing. Glad you're in a better place. :)

  13. I'm so glad you had the guts to get out of that hellish kind of relationship.
    Interesting post,ETW. A real thinker.
    I've had to back-track on a few knee-jerk impressions over the years too.

  14. Excellent post! I also usually stick to my first impressions as well. They are normally correct. But is does suck and makes you feel really judgemental when you are wrong.

  15. Great post. I really don't think the decisions we make when we're young count quite as much as the decisions we make when we older. When we're young there's that whole pheremone/hormone driven need to seek out an appropriate steady boner and pretty much anyone who might stand between us and the one we're drawn to is not going to look their best no matter how much we try to see the good in them. Older, well that shit just doesn't work the same way.

    Besides, how could she have been putting her best foot forward under those conditions? You're probably both quite different people now.

  16. Awesome post! I have some similar stories... not with the marriage part, but just not thinking someone is a good person and then later finding out they aren't so bad!

    Hugs - Tiff

  17. Imagine if you had stayed...your life is so much better now.

    When I was younger and single my solid intuition was sometimes ignored over the hope that something was really different then I suspected...ie. a lot of losers that I dated. Maybe it is that silly idea that I am the cure for their idiocy, controlling behavior, drinking, cheating, the list goes on & on unfortunately...get my drift?

    Thanks for putting yourself out there.

  18. I like this post - it is a good window into "you" I had no idea you were previously married.

    I might steal this topic as well sometime this week. It's a good one!

  19. Like others have said, it is sort of fun to sort of get to know other sides of you. Sorry the bad stuff was sort of cruddy, but glad you got a keeper now!

  20. Very interesting topic and post!
    I think that we're all guilty of judging first and asking questions later at some point in our lives. It's yet another of those things that we get better at with age huh? :o)

  21. You're very open and honest about showing your faults. That's impressive.

    I know someone from when I grew up who is married to someone who is unbelievably controlling. It upsets her whole family. Hell, my cousin is married to someone like that. It is very sad. And it makes me happy that I never married.

  22. Man... you are brave asking for topics... and even braver to answer them honestly! I may steal this topic if I ever run short! Thanks for the raw honesty... and I am so glad you are out of there and with ET.

  23. I have so many skeletons in my closet I have been considering donating them to a medical school for instructive purposes! ;)

  24. 3C - Even then, I knew I deserved better... I'm glad I ended up here, too!

    powdergirl - Even being thru it, I can't quite comprehend why people stay.

    Bitchy - My batting average is fairly accurate on 1st impressions. I've been wrong a handful of times (and tried to make amends).

    BB - You're right - we often don't "see" our issues as a younger person and you're also right that we're such different people now (me and the girl - both have grown a lot, matured).

    Tiff - I think we're all in situations where our intuition steers us wrong.

    Tamis - I know *exactly* what you mean. It's that naive "I can *change* this person for the better" ideal. Never works out...

    Vinomom - it's a time in my life I'd rather leave in the past, ya know?

    Warren - after all that, I knew how to find a good one!

    Penelope - definitely a learning curve!

    Kathleen - Sometimes I think the controlling is worse than physical abuse, but they normally go hand in hand....

    LL - If I had gotten a really "out there" suggestion, I most likely wouldn't have touched it!

    Mary - We could make some medical school very happy if we both donated!

  25. Woa...that one took me by surprise. I LOVE your honesty and that is what keeps me coming back day in and day out!

  26. Wow, ETW. I am so glad you were able to remove yourself from your situation to be where you are now. I've found my 1st impressions of people are usually spot on, but like you, I am a big believer in 2nd chances.

  27. First husbands are kinda like training...of course it took me a few more rounds of training than the average person....thoughtful story.

  28. And this is exactly why I keep coming back. Funny stuff, entertaining stuff, and honest stuff like this. Great post!

  29. Excellent! I often judge too harshly those who don't deserve it, and give out the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. chances to people who don't deserve them either!

  30. We've all made those first impression mistakes. It takes a good person like yourself to admit them.

    Oh, and we've all had other mistakes, like first husbands. Don't sweat it. I learned a lot by having a loser jerk of a first husband. I learned no one will ever treat me that way again, and if that makes me selfish, too bad. lol.

  31. Somehow, I didn't know you'd been married before ET.

  32. Wow,,ETW, you caught me off guard on this one as well.

    Really good stuff, makes me feel like I know you! Heck maybe I do.. or just someone who you remind me of.

    You did good for someone who didn't have a topic to start with, funny how that happens, huh?


  33. Like you, I'm good with the "psychic twinkle" as I call it - first instincts are almost always right...

    But thank you for the reminder that we can be wrong and sometiems that second chance is well deserved.