Monday, October 29, 2012

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Bad Driver,
Last week, while taking my daughter to school, you pulled out from your parking spot on a 2 way street. However, this 2-way street has cars parked on both sides. Drivers take turns pulling over close to the curb to allow drivers from the opposite direction to pass as space allows.

I had the right of way and was trying to get down the road as you pulled out from your spot. Thereby, you effectively trapped me between your car and the cars parked on the side to my right. Not wanting to take off anyone's mirrors or quarter panels, I slowed down to make sure my Land Yacht (aka "The minivan") could pass safely, so that we both might be on our merry ways.

Instead, you proceeded to yell and carry on until I rolled my window down and said, "I'm sorry, but I had the right of way." I was told, "Well, if the sun wasn't out and you would fucking learn to drive...."

#1. It was a beautiful morning, not a cloud in the sky and it was 8am. That's what the sun does. It shines. I'm sorry it was shining in your delicate wittle eyes, but that's why God made those flaps on the top of your car over the steering wheel. You move that flap down and it will reduce the glare. I promise!

#2. I do know how to drive. I know I had the right of way and you were clearly in the wrong to pull out when I know you saw me coming and realized I had no open space to pull over to my right.

#3. You pulled out from directly in front of your house, so I have your address and now, I even have your license plate number - since you tend to park out in front of said house every day and I drive by it every day. I'm a good person, but I wouldn't get too lippy with someone who knew where I lived.... Just sayin'.

#4. I prayed for you as I drove off. I understood you must be a troubled young man to act so belligerently and to cuss at a lady (with her 6 yr old child in the car, no less). I hope you were not such an asshole to the next person you encountered that morning.

God bless,

Dear 2nd Bad Driver (same morning, different moron),
People use the church parking lot across from the elementary school to quickly park and get their children to the cross walk, so they may safely enter their school. I'm assuming you were there dropping of your offspring. Your child/children must have been safely inside the school as you tore through the church parking lot like a bat out of hell...I had to grab my child by the straps of her backpack and pull her back, lest she get run over by someone in such a hurry, the safety of small children is of no consequence to that person.

I hope you caught the stink eye I threw your way, but I also added your dumb self to my growing prayer list.

Watch the lead foot, pal,

A general PSA:
If you read this blog, you will hear me bring up my involvement with AA from time to time. I promise it will not be often, because I am not one of those zealots who feels a need to constantly discuss my life choices as if they need to be your life choices as well.

I would like to say just this, though: AA is a fellowship made up of many different people and personalities. On occasion, a fellow AAer will slip. It happens. None of us are immune. However, a slip does not mean the program doesn't work. It just means one person did not do the next right thing (the next right thing is staying sober). As we grow along spiritual lines, we strive for progress. We may never achieve perfection, but our goal is progress towards that end.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells. The program works if you work it. In fact, the Big Book states, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58).

The key word here, for me, is HONEST. You all know that here on this blog, I am honest to a fault. You all are some of my favorite turds, I'd never shit you. (Thanks, S, for that wonderful phrase). It's time to count myself among my favorite turds and quit shitting myself.

Now you know... AA is the sum of all its' parts, not just one person who may backslide at some point.

I feel much better now. :-)

Happy Monday, hooligans/turds. Stay warm!


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Hogging My Time

I've never been big on watching TV. Sure, I'm addicted to Survivor, but I think I missed an entire season here recently. I don't even turn the thing on during the day.

I have watched daytime TV in the past and let me tell you, it is BAD. Really bad. Even the content on the cable channels stinks.

So much for me being a soap opera watching housewife, huh?

Until I discovered all the shows I could choose to watch on my Kindle, using Amazon Prime (prime members can stream many shows and movies to the Kindle for free).

I got tired of playing my word search game one day and decided to check out the offerings. I've watched a few movies and most of the television shows (the free ones, anyway) aren't really things that might interest me.

However, I did decide to check out "Parks and Recreation" which was on a few years back. It's a sitcom starring Amy Pohler of SNL fame. I had seen some of the previews years ago and thought it looked kind of amusing, but didn't really have the time or inclination to get into it.

But on my Kindle, I could watch the shows, for free, anytime I felt like it. With no commercials... I'm pretty much a sucker for free and convenient. I ended up watching all 5 seasons.

Then, I decided to watch the pilot episode of "Friday Night Lights". I wondered what all the hype about this show was back when it aired on broadcast TV. The pilot really didn't reel me in much, but then I had to see what happened in the next episode. And we all know where that can lead - like a gateway drug, I was sucked in and currently watching the 2nd season.

I'll watch it 'til the end, because I'm a little OCD like that. These free shows are eating up all my free time - as if I had so much free time to spare anyway, right?

I need to start pacing myself if I ever hope to get anything accomplished around here. The insidious boob tube via Kindle is taking over here and I'm getting a bit worried. I don't have much time to read or blog or fold laundry or even have a quick nap, you know, all the important things in life.

Sooo, if you wonder where I am, just know I am wasting my life on watching whatever I can get my hands on from Amazon Prime. If this keeps up, I'll have to join AAA too (that's Amazon Addicts Anonymous, not the car thingy).

I really need a life. Until then, have a happy Tuesday my hooligans. I'll check in again when I pry my eyeballs off the portable time waster.


Friday, October 5, 2012

Picture Day

Tuesday was picture day at Sissy's school. I knew it was coming up, but I didn't really give it much thought. I just woke up, found a cute enough outfit for her, brushed her hair and made sure her face was clean.

I started to wonder if I was just a bad mother. I mean, shouldn't I be all concerned about going out to purchase a NEW outfit, get her hair cut, etc. etc.?

Then, I got over myself. I only buy the smallest package of the school pictures. They're usually not that great. I think I take better pictures of the kids at home, anyways. (and it's cheaper!).

Upon reflecting on school pictures, I don't think Buddy had one taken the entire time he was in middle school.

Unlike my mother, I don't wait around with baited breath to get that envelope of school pictures as a memento of that school year, so that I can say I have every year of school pictures and then throw them in the picture pile in the end table.

In fact, I think many of us would like to pretend those pictures didn't exist. I was a child of the 70s and 80s. Not exactly the 2 most wonderful decades for clothing and hair styles.

One year, I just about fell off my chair - Buddy brought home the "pre-order" envelope from school for the pictures. There are always a few options, but the one I found the most interesting was an extra charge if you wanted your child's photo AIRBRUSHED (photoshopped) to remove "flaws", like acne, or glare off eyeglasses.

I mean, sure he's a teenaged zitster. I was too at his age - and I have the pictures to PROVE it. Also, the kid has been wearing glasses since he was 18 months old. We're used to seeing him with glasses. There's gonna be a glare, we've already established that years ago.

After a healthy dose of photoshopping, who would know if it was their child or not? Let's brush out the glasses, acne and braces...oh, and don't forget that unsightly group of freckles! I wonder how a child with a port wine stain/birthmark on their face would feel if their parents paid extra to have that birthmark removed from their school photos?

It's a sad state of affairs when children will grow up without embarrassing school photos to reminisce over in the years to come. If you don't have at least one (or more) shitty school pictures, you really haven't lived. Besides, we need that comedy gold for our own children someday, so they can say, "Mom, you were a total dork!"

Take it easy on this beautiful Friday, my hooligans!


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

My Man Boy

Buddy is growing up. He'll be 15 in January and I'm still not sure where the time has gone.

He is taller than me and wears the same size shoe as The Evil Twin.

He has facial hair and I caught a glimpse of his underarms over the summer when he had on a loose fitting t-shirt. He had a full-on afro going on in his right pit and judging from my excellent sense of smell, both pits are full of the man-boy hairs because dude rocks the BO to knock me out! Pew!

And yes, he has deodorant. No, he doesn't use it on a regular basis unless I hound him. I say things like "The ladies don't like a dude with BO." and hoping that will help, but I think his man-boy mind is more full of video game action and not much of the lady action (which, I guess, is kind of a good thing.).

I was at the Mart yesterday (my usual Monday haunt) and I bought him a pack of GOOD disposable razors. I figure I'll let him try a few out and see what he likes best before investing in the crazy expensive razors. Like the one the Evil Twin and I use.

Instead of the usual stink-eye, I actually got a heartfelt "Thank you" from him and I noticed the package was opened and one razor was out on the sink last night. He showers and does most of his stuff at night, but he uses the deodorant, toothbrush, mouthwash, Proactiv and hairbrush in the morning before school.

I bought the Gillette Sensor when it first came out. I was in college and I had heard great things about this thing. It was marketed at men, but I didn't care - it was still cheaper than any of the "bimbo" version of razors. I loved it so much, I still use it today and I even gave the Evil Twin one when we first met. The replacement cartridges are so out of this world over-priced and I am one cheap mofo, so I tell ET to put his used cartridges in a ziploc bag and I use those.

We all know facial hair can only take about 3 - 4 shaves before the blade is too dull for sensitive skin. However, leg hairs (and other spots I won't mention) can take a blade into the next century practically!

Anypoodle, my boy is growing up and I must say he is a fine man-boy. He gets on my nerves, but then again, he's 14. That's, like, his job. And the less I know about his job, the better.

Ahhh, teens. I hope I make it a few more years because it won't be long before Sissy is pushing all my buttons and we all know girls can be 10 times worse than boys.

With boys, you only have to be worried about one penis. With a girl, you have to worry about every penis on the planet.

I'll be surprised if Sissy isn't in therapy by her early 20s. ;-)

Have a great Tuesday, my hooligans.