Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Office Parties

I was having a conversation last week with my best friend for all of my life (like, we've been friends since we were FOUR years old and she's only one day older than me) and she was telling me about her office Christmas party.

The party involved one of the tiredest old tricks of the trade: the gift/re-gift game. For example: all participants' names are put into a drawing. The first name drawn selects a gift from the variety on display, opens it and ooohs and aaahs or whatever. After this point, any other name drawn can either choose a wrapped gift or "take" an already opened gift from the person who has it.

This is a popular and "fun" game for most. I find it offensive and boring. And moronic.

I never get the humor involved in this or other such "gift trading" type games. It seems fruitless. Who's laughing? The poor schmuck who goes home with the shittiest gift???

And why is that funny?

You know what's funnier? A fart in an elevator! A turd in a punchbowl!

So, I've had a few jobs in my life. My first job out of college was the worst job I've ever had - and I had worked waiting tables and retail. But, working for the local Girl Scout Council was the worst.

First off, those women were the biggest bunch of bitches on the planet and they will also serve to be the reason my Sissy will never be a "scout". I'll elaborate more on this later.

But, when I worked there, I was fresh out of college and it was a salaried job with benefits, so I considered myself lucky (at $16K a year... har har). They had the holiday party on a weekend night, and not attending was not an option. Either you showed or you risked your job.

And, I couldn't bring a date or my spouse (later), so I had to attend by myself on a night I should have my total free time. There was no alcohol, but plenty of booolsheet. I hated it. It was the worst night of my life for several years.

At the Girl Scout Council, we did the "White Elephant" gift exchange. That means, a person brings something really tacky and wraps it up nicely, then everyone "fights" over the tackiest thing. Puh-lease! I am an adult! I always tried to leave as soon as possible after eating and the super stupid gift exchange.

Please, don't buy Girl Scout cookies this year. I don't. If you'd like to make a difference, please just give a dollar or two directly to the girl's troop. It's a better use of your money. Trust me.


  1. Don't get me started on Scouts...

    Okay, just a little.

    This guy in my office is a little crazy and a scout leader. So he brings in these small tins of Boy Scout popcorn and sets them on a table in the snack area with a sign saying that they will support such and such Boy Scout council. Cost: $9.00. Unbelievable. But his justification was that it was for charity.

    So, I type up a little piece of paper that has a story about supporting some unwed mother girls school or something goofy and place three of those bite-sized peppermint patties on it and put the cost at $5.00 a piece. You know, for charity.

    Yea. So did I mention the guy is a little crazy? He didn't see the humor in my little sale, but everyone else thought it was funny.

    In the end, I put $10.00 in his can and didn't take a tin of the 35 cents worth of popcorn. I don't mind donating for a good cause, but seriously, the Scouts should try doing a car wash or something.

  2. Damn girl! Yer on a roll today! I nearly spit me coffee out!

    I just love you you know that???

  3. Bad experiences when I was a girl scout...they are soooo not at the top of my list. My daughter was not allowed to join either. Whatever happened to the debauchery of the good old office Christmas parties??? Just wondering.

  4. I like both of those types of gift exchanges, but rarely get to partake. What does that say about me? :-)

  5. But the cookies taste so good! They can't be evil, can they???

  6. Awwwww, shit....I love thin mints. My girls were Sunflower Girls one year, and I hate those bitches too !!!! Not in their click I guess, so snarky !!!!

  7. That explains a lot. :(

    I am so disappointed with our experience in trying to start a daisy troop in my hometown. It was an epic fail. I guess that's a good thing, after reading this. ;P

  8. We do the gift/re-gift thing with ornaments at our neighborhood Christmas dinner for women and most of the time I find it fun, but tempers can flare sometimes. The hot ornament this year was a mer-man, and he was re-gifted 3 times before someone got to keep him.

  9. i personally think elevator farts and punchbowl turds are hillarious.

    also i think that not having pants on at "innapropriate" times is funny.

    i can't stand holiday parties. except at one company where we got our bonuses at the party, plus a shopping spree at the palisades mall. and we ate our boss out of 3000 (300 a person) at legal seafood....

  10. I don't understand the concept of holiday office parties anyway. Oh, I supposed it's a nice gesture if the company wants to pay for my dinner and booze for a night, but if I wanted to spend time with my co-workers outside of the office I'd already be doing so.

    And as my best friend once said, "I don't want to live in a world in which farting isn't funny."

  11. Ugh, I hate any social gathering, especially work related ones. I try to skip out of those as much as possible. Gift exchanges aren't really my thing either, mostly because I suck at picking out gifts.

  12. All holiday gatherings were cancelled at my work this year.

    Praise the Lord! I do so hate those things...

  13. Dave - ROFL!

    SCW - I love you too!

    themom - I think political correctness swooped in and ruined all the fun!

    3C - Maybe you don't work at the right office?

    Ron - Those cookies are like 70 calories EACH and you're probably paying $1 per cookie by the end of it! Eeeeevvviiiillll. (but delicious).

    The Girl - Buy Dave's peppermint patties up there! LOL.

    Rebecca - dodged a bullet there, for sure.

    kenju - it kills me when people get all huffy at those things! I just don't get it....I must be missing that personality chip.

    fattie20xl - yes, farts and turds are far funnier than office parties. So is inappropriate pantslessness. (I think I just made up a word).

    RZ - that is my sentiment exactly. I only hung around them during the day because I got paid to be there. I certainly didn't like wasting my perfectly good Saturday evening for them. And I agree with your friend, too. Farts will ALWAYS be funny.

    Hacksaw - I know, me too.

    Tiff - it sounds like that's your Christmas gift, then. No stinky party.

  14. I would never give money directly to a Girl Scout. They would just turn around and spend it on alcohol or loose woman.
    I'm lovin' your blog, we agree on a lot of things. I hate those gift exchanges, and some people get SO into them.

  15. Ugh. the gift/re-gift thing is so annoying. I have had to go to those, too. Like I said yesterday, I DO NOT miss those office parties - or the people.

  16. I used to have a Christmas Party for all of my employees at a nice place. 1st couple of years, since it was new company and the sales we were still trying to get established, it didn't include spouses.

    After that, I did include spouses and we went to really nice places and had open menus and open bar. Tab would get pretty high.

    I stopped that about 8 years later because I was only getting thanked by maybe 50%. I didn't expect them to 'oooo&ahhh'...just a simple 'thank you'. Oh..I normally held this the night of the day I gave out Christmas Bonuses.

    I kinda wish I had never started that 'tradition' ;)

  17. So, as you know, we had our office Christmas party today. At first I got a large print novel that you could read from 3 miles away. I traded with someone and got a walkman. Yes, I traded a book for a cassette player. How else am I gonna listen to all my old cassette tapes that are taking up space in the garage?

    I thought the gift I brought in was awesome but apparently no one else did. I bought 'Adventures in Babysitting' on DVD. LOL That's sure to be a classic! I mean come on, it was on the $5 rack at Target. Isn't that where all the good movies go to die?

  18. I'm sorry, but I need my annual Thin Mint inhalations. Is it OK if I buy under protest?

  19. Yet another funny post! So my son is into the whole Scout thing...I find it a little odd that grown men dress up like they are twelve. Very distrubing.
    We are in the midst of the popcorn sell...sold alot but it's the delivering part that sucks!

  20. Ah yes.. scouts. Let's just say that I know my area council quite well....

    And they are evil bitches in there. I have serious doubts about the corporation, I mean, organization.

    But, Natalie loves it and we have done some really cool stuff. But it probably wouldn't be so fun if her leader (ahem) wasn't so awesome - lol.

  21. It's amazing we can even talk. I loove those dumb gift exchanges. Fighting over the gifts is the best part. I almost had a bottle of JD once and a pineapple shaped candle. It would have been awesome! But some bitch stole it! (Granted she was like 80 and actually collected pineapples-still). I like office parties, its a chance to get know each other in a non-stressful way. Plus you get to taste everyone's prized recipes!
    And how can you hate girl scout cookies. Samoas! Thin Mints! Oops-I'm hungry now.

  22. JA - ROFL! Apparently, lots of people enjoy the gift exchange...just not us.

    Gigi - it's nice for us we don't have to deal with it anymore.

    Efen - Your office party sounds like a real party! I've got more on that, too. (good parties).

    Jess - I'm sorry your DVD didn't go over well. And, yes, the Target $5 rack is a DVD burial ground.

    NCP - LOL.

    jeffkay - I know how you feel about your mint things, so buy away with no guilt.

    Chandra - I'm just not into fundraisers at all. More work than it's worth, IMO.

    Alex - An awesome leader makes all the difference! :-)

    libco - I don't hate the cookies at all. But, I do hate those types of office parties. To each, her own, I suppose! :-)

  23. I always try to veto the gift exchange thing because there's always one or two people who it really sort of becomes a hardship for...it's weird. But then there's always that one person who decides to pass out little gifts to everyone, and somebody finds out about it, so they go and get something for everyone...and so on, and so on...blah blah blah. This year they've wrangled me into drawing names. It's ridiculous. (Scroogey Scrooge Scrooge!)

  24. The best man I ever worked for didn't have office parties as such. But every year just before christmas he treated us all to dinner at a nice steak house on the river and gave us our bonus check for the year.

    It was usually equal to a months wages, a lot of money back then.

  25. BUt BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT I'm in love with the thin mints :( lol

  26. I can't stand those games either. I would rather take nothing and not participate. I have my own oppinions about the scouts, boy and girl. I will be interested in reading about yours...

    Oh, I don't like GS cookies so I don't buy them, ick.

  27. Thank God I don't have to go to those dreaded office parties anymore and can just blog (hey, if you're feeling adventurous, check it out).

    You described them perfectly. However, you left out the idiocy that always happens when one coworker has too much to drink and either makes a total jerk of herself or hits on random strangers even though you know she's married with two kids. ugh.

    either way, though I love "thin mints," I might rethink the purchase.

  28. Laura - sorry you got saddled with that. Blech.

    BBC - I'd much prefer that type of deal!

    Sabrae - So many are... Get some Thin Mints, then.

    Chris - I love the cookies, but have moral principles about not buying them.

    Jul - LOL. Well, at this particular organization's parties, there was no alcohol... fun bunch. (can you hear my sarcasm?)

  29. I've never cared for that para-military organization. I've never met nice people in those. EVER.

  30. I'd rather spend my hard earned dollars on some Chess cookies at Kroger...

    Those poor kids freeze their asses off for a net gain of like .02 cents a box. Crock of crap if you ask me.

    We play secret santa in Big T's family... it's a hoot, but it's meant to be that way.