Saturday, December 15, 2007

The Neighborhood and Nicknames

When the Evil Twin and I got married, the next order of business was finding a home to buy and settle in. We looked all over. We eventually learned that in our price range (almost zilch), there wasn't much available that seemed even somewhat habitable.

I would check the classifieds for houses and the real estate guides, and then I stumbled upon information on a new subdivision being built, in the next county over and the prices were what we could afford. So, we set about choosing a lot and having our little 3 bedroom, mid-entry built.

After many months and many set-backs and many altercations with the contractor (who was only slightly evolved from a caveman), we signed the closing papers and moved in - one month shy of our first anniversary. We were so proud to be homeowners and our little house was fine for the time being.

Then, we get to know the neighbors. Oh my! What a pack of loons we were surrounded by. The next door neighbors were fundamentalist Christian (not that there's anything wrong with that). However, they were so hyper religious, we dubbed them Ned and Maude Flanders (after "The Simpsons" cartoon characters). They were okay, but if you were on your driveway more than 5 seconds, Maude would come out and proceed to chat your head off. She also targeted other people walking their dogs or strolling by. After a while, we started to refer to this accosting as "being Flandered". We got Flandered a lot. They eventually moved out.

The neighbors behind us were just trash. We called them "The Nut-Nuts". The Nut-Nuts had two nut-nut kids who were menaces to the neighborhood. They would turn out their little dog, Co-co and then stand at the back door, hollering "Co-co, Co-co, Co-co" ad nauseum until I wanted to run out there and just grab the nasty, barking moron and hand it to them. One night, Mr. Nut-Nut went to the store to buy more beer and was pursued by the cops until he wrapped himself around a tree and killed himself. Shortly thereafter, Mrs. Nut-Nut had a new boyfriend living there. He had precisely four teeth and they got a pit bull that was so aggresive, I would not allow Buddy in the back yard. And, I traveled very quickly from the car into the house with my small child. (I feared "Little Benny" would jump the fence and maul us both).

When the house across the street went on the market, we were happy when a nice young couple with two girls bought it. Well, until the husband would ring our doorbell at odd hours of the evening for coffee or something else to mooch when he was over there doing remodeling before they moved in. He was quite possibly the hairiest man on the planet and he would often mow his grass shirtless (with an electric mower, no less). He was dubbed "Captain Caveman". Once, the Evil Twin was getting out of his car and Captain Caveman was mowing his grass. When he saw ET, he stopped his mower to come across the road for a chat. Later, the Evil Twin related that Captain Caveman had a large, yellow snot wad that was just dangling right on top of his mustache and apparently had no clue. Poor ET, it was all he could do not to wretch right in front of the dude.

Our next door neighbor was the superintendent of the county school system. He was a sauce hound and was always drunk. Nice, huh?

The neighbors in the cul-de-sac had two see thru children we called "The Albinos". The Albino children and the Nut-Nut children often ran around together. Once, we were running the sprinkler in our front yard and they were all out in OUR yard (before we had children) - playing in the sprinkler. Fine, fine. I let them do it. Then, they rang my doorbell and asked for towels and popsicles!!!! I said I had neitherand they went away.

The toothless boyfriend of Mrs. Nut-Nut would go around the neighborhood and offer to do "odd jobs", so he became "Odd Jobs". Odd jobs, as I mentioned, only had four teeth - what appeared to be 2 eye teeth up top and two similar placed teeth on the bottom. As a result of his toothlessness, he pronounced his Js as Ds. So, the older couple on the top of the hill (who also owned the lots therein) were Dim and Dune (Jim and June).

Another couple moved in - he was a cop, she was a nurse. They had differing stories on their marital status, but they had a little boy and later had a girl. They were a biracial couple (again, nothing wrong with that), but we honored them with the nicknames "Ebony and Ivory". Ebony was the cop and he would tell the biggest lies in the world. For example, he had a detail once in which he did security work when President Bush was in town. Later, he told us all that the president was coming to their BBQ at their house. We all laughed and wondered where he'd land Chopper One.

After 10 years of living amongst these colorful characters, we had enough. The interest rates were good and we had enough equity and we needed more room. So, we put our house on the market and started searching again. This time, we knew we weren't going to build... we wanted an older house, one with character and not a fixer upper. We found our current house and fell in love. It was more than we wanted to spend, but we figured we'd save money by being closer to Buddy's school and with a large down payment, our mortgage wouldn't be a complete strain.

Now, we only have one set of neighbors with nicknames and that's the couple across from us. They moved in a few months after us (that house was on the market when we bought this one). And, ever since then, they are rarely seen. So, we call them Momma and Poppa Roach. It's like daylight would kill 'em or something.

But, that's fine with us. I'd rather they be stand offish than be all up in our bizness all the time (not that we're cooking meth or anything - we just like our privacy). Socializing with the people we choose as friends is much better.


  1. I undertand and respect privacy. I wonder what nickname my neighbors have for me?

  2. Actually I "understand", not really sure how to "undertand" something. :)

  3. LMAO. Great post.

    On the first comment, I thought Ron was writing understand the way Odd Job would have pronounced it.

    I don't know if you remember or not, be we knew the Nut-Nut family. Not well. Okay, we knew of them because the kids were around the same age as teh niece in school.

    First day of kindergarden, teacher had everyone say what their father's did for a living (yeh, father's only). The Nut-Nut kid said his dad watched TV and drank beer. We knew that was a story that wasn't going to end well.

  4. I wonder what my neighbors say about us? LOL

    When my dad was alive and in Chas., I could have given nicknames to all his neighbors and they would have been very similar to yours. It was a weird area!

  5. I'm a hermit and it is/was rare that people see me out and about.

    And I have cabin fever

  6. Oh, this was the best thing I read today! I'm so glad to hear that we're not that unusual after all. We name all of our neighbors too and have an obvious amount of disdain for them all. We really REALLY need to go live in the woods somewhere!

  7. Awesome post! I hope my neighbors call me "The Wave" because that's the extent of conversation I wanna have w/'em. :D

  8. You and ET are weirdo magnets! Kind of makes one wonder what nicknames you've given us! LOL!

  9. Very interesting life of ET and yourself.

    Just for general purpose knowledge, it is not Chooper One it is Marine One.

    I know it sucks when someone wants to correct you and you don't care. I care. And that is enough.

    I am sure my neighbors call me interesting and colorful names as well.

  10. I never heard about Odd Jobs - or at least never heard you guys call him that, but he sounds like he might be the most interesting of the bunch.

    Quick question though - What's the significance of the electric mower? I've honestly never known anyone to use an electric mower, so I'm unfamiliar with the concept. I'm sure it adds another level of funny to the story that I just don't get.

  11. That's just it, downfall - no one uses an electric mower. It was hilarious to watch him out there, hairy as can be, pushing that toy mower all over his yard.

    Wyldth1ng, thanks for the clarification. I just figured the helicopter would be Chopper or Copter One. Now, I know!

  12. In our neighborhood, WE are the weird ones. I refer to us as the CWP - Complimentary White People.

    Everyone else in our neighborhood is Mexican. (Do NOT call them Latino. They don't like it.)

  13. I use an electric mower! Of course, my yard is about the size of a Depends, so it's fine.

    LOVE your nicknamery! Most excellent.

  14. hehe great post. I enjoyed reading it. I have a habit of coming up with nicknames for people. I have also had a set of some very strange neighbors. But that's another tale...

  15. You're too funny. I love the nicknames and the reasons for them.

    I wonder what my neighbors call us?

  16. Hehheh!

    We live across the street from "The Shriekers" -- a woman and her three daughters who can not emit a sound from their mouths that isn't at eardrum-bursting volume and shrill. The woman is a social-climber (in Spencer! Hahahahaaaa!!!) and feels she is above the rest of the 'hood so she's always complaining about the rest of us. Her daughters stand on their porch and scream "GET OFF OUR PROPER-TEH!!!" everytime my kids ride their bikes around the cul-de-sac like they own it. I think my boys do it just to piss them off.

    Once the girls were shrieking and I had a migraine so I gave them all popsicles. That's when I found out that the youngest is allergic to red food coloring... oops. Gee, I guess I ruined that potential friendship...

  17. Your ex neighborhood sounds like a sitcom waiting to happen.

    My neighbor sits at her window and watches me work in my yard. I only get hearsay feedback of what's said about me.

    One such comment, when I first started walking and losing weight was... she'll put it all back on.

    When I didn't put it back on, I think they were disappointed. LOL

    I like to keep my yard clean, raked, and have pretty flowers. After doing that, the owners of the neighborhood sent their worker around to rake all the other lots so it would look like mine, then the worker came to me and said not to rake my yard any more because then the owners want the other yards raked too.

    I probably don't want to know what nicknames I've been given.

  18. We have names for our neighbors too...ass*****. I'm sure they think we are old farts....their yard is a junk pile, their kids monsters, their dogs killers and they don't know how to say thank you after for example Steve mowed their yard after they asked for help then decided in the middle of picking up the trash so Steve could mow they went sailing leaving Steve alone.

  19. tHIS was hilarious! Now I'm wondering what my neighbors have nicknamed me ;-D