Thursday, March 19, 2009

More Thought Dumping

Okay, not only was I pre-occupied with Sissy's first dental appointment, I was/am in the midst of a money transfer from one account to another.

I am very antsy about money issues. It's not much, but I wanted to be sure that a sum of money left our checking account and arrived at a new money market account. This transaction took several days - verification issues and whatnot. I think I will be satisfied today when I check both accounts to make sure my wishes are carried out. It's never a good thing to be footloose and fancy free when it comes to finances, especially in this day and age.

I've often said here, "You can give me a million dollars or a nickel - either way, I'm going to fret about it."

And, now, I'm going to try to explain the major issue in my life.

I feel like crying when I think on it.

I was adopted as an infant - 2 months old and my parents were great (they are both deceased now, and I miss them both so much). After they passed away, I have been reunited with my biological mother. You will hear me reference my parents here (the people who raised me) and my bio mom on different occasions. I want to make that distinction.

Not that I don't love my bio mom - I totally do! - but, it's more of a wonderful reconnection of a friendship, you know?

Anyway, my parents adopted another child when I was 3 and a half - my brother. He is not my biological brother. He is adopted, same as me, into the same family.

This is getting harder.

Fast forward 30+ years. Our parents die within 14 months of each other. I was the only child who took care of our mother in her last days. He and his wife visited her only once towards the end, while I was by her side at LEAST twice a day. In a HIGH RISK pregnancy, no less.

I took care of all the estate settling for both of them, I took care of the home repairs for what needed done, I took care of everything. I even took out a home equity loan on our own home to make repairs to theirs to be sold.

My brother? Sent me a bad check.

Did not do shit.

His wife is an evil wicked weeble-wobble. I'm sure she was mad with glee when the inheritance check hit their mailbox.

I'm tired of being let down by people I should be able to count on. I refuse to take a person to raise who cannot support himself, even though he and his wife have plenty of income. I wish them well, but I wished them good-bye a few weeks ago.

He tried to make amends (again) and I had nothing to do with it. I wrote them off. I'm sure he will make ME out as the bad guy to his In-Laws (they are complete douches).

Let's say it this way: Had we not been raised together, he (or his wife) are not people I would choose to befriend outside of our raising. I feel like a weight is gone!

I even told the dentist the other day, "We have no other family for contact information." and it felt GREAT, but a bit sad.

There is more to all that, but I feel better with the separation.


  1. Good for you! It's hard to shake the dust from your sandals and move on. Hugs!

  2. I totally understand the myriad of emotions you are feeling.
    It is because you are a beautiful woman, that you even hurt over these people.

    You must listen to your heart, it never steers you wrong, even if it feels like crap for a long while.

    Biggest squeezie cuddle to you.xx♥

  3. Yeah, I totally get the situation. ...and I don't think there is ever a right way to handle it. Look...he's your brother, and you will always love him as such, but it's okay to not be best friends or even friends. Sometime you have to distance people do to the weight they throw on you. I think you did what you needed to do.

  4. I'm sorry, honey. Can't imagine how tough that must be, but it sounds like you made the right choice for you. And it's very much his loss...take care of YOU, ok?

    Loves ya :)

  5. In my case, the only thing one of my sister's & I have in common is our parents. It's a weird thing. It is what it is, you know? I keep my distance from her for several reasons! Mostly b/c she works, I don't & she loves to talk about how boring it must be for me to be a SAHM. Grrrrrr......

  6. Okay, yes I am an anonymous reader of your blog and find it good enough to continually return day after day. I do have a thought on the "Brother" thing. First adopted or not he is your brother. Your parents intended it that way and you share that connection. Second, the person he is has nothing to do with you ! And Third , let it go , you will feel better and free. DO not argue , fight or be disgruntled in anyway , that is only hurting yourself. I have a brother in Prison and feel very blessed that I am able to let things go and live my life freely without any responsibilty for him or his actions , but he still is my brother .

  7. if your choice has given you peace, then it is the right choice.
    stay strong and thank you for sharing this story with us xx

  8. We are not close with hubby's large family, due to a falling out with one family member, with whom people chose to take sides. I feel kind of the same way, when it comes to emergency contacts. My family is out of state. I put hubby's mom, but ideally no one ever gets that emergency call.

  9. Family are the retarded people you get stuck with, while friends are the retarded people you pick. He's your brother, but that doesn't mean he's your friend. Do what feels right to you. {{HUGS}}

  10. I can totally sympathize with you, being from such a small family as we have and loosing what precious few loved ones that we did. Turn your problems over to God and let the other ones have to deal with Him - that's what I say!

  11. Had we not been raised together, he (or his wife) are not people I would choose to befriend outside of our raising. I feel like a weight is gone!

    Good for you! Just because he's your brother, doesn't mean you have to like him, especially if he behaves in that way. (((hugs)))

  12. In the year since my grandmother died, some family members still don't speak to each other much. It happens. Unfortunately, it happens at the worst of times. That's when you find out who's really on your side and who's just looking out for themselves. I'm sorry about your situation with your brother. Sometimes you just have to love people from a distance.

  13. Family is such a weird thing for so many people. I am so sorry your brother has behaved so badly. I am proud of you for knowing that his behavior isn't right, and that putting up with it isn't okay either - so good for you for letting him go.
    Even though we don't personally know each other, I do know you from this blog and know what's in your heart - and I know that you're a good girl, and have a good heart full of solid values. That's all that really matters at the end of the day. XOXOXO

  14. oh honey, Sorry to hear that. You have made your decision & by the "sound" of it - it seems like you are at peace with your decision. I really believe things happen for a reason, & YOU know that you have good reason to feel the way you do. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} ;)

  15. You know I have much the same situation. My non-biological brother, being mentally insane received all the love and money when the parents died. When my twin died - he wanted all her money also. This just sealed the divide between us. He died before his suit could be settled. I am technically all alone, and have resolved myself to that scenario. Many biologicals are now in my life - but since we were not raised together - this makes for very good friends. I feel your pain and gladness all at the same time.

  16. I wrote off my brother about 10 years ago when our grand parents died. Being the only male grandchild he seemed to think that he was going to inherit the whole shebang. I don't care about the money but that was all he cared about. Didn't even seem to bother him that they were gone, all he wanted to know was when he would find out what he was getting. Turned out that he got nothing, not one thing. I got some jade earrings that belonged to my grandmother and I will cherish them for the rest of my life.

    It's a shame when family, blood or not, only care about themselves.

  17. Wow, does this hit home! Having paralled your situation by taking care of Dad, while my biological older brother x 13 yrs. who lived next door to him and wouldn't raise a finger while I drove from another county each day to Dad's house, then same brother whom I had to call on in a pinch one day in Aug.04 to ask if he'd make and take Dad a sandwich since I couldn't get there, actually got mad at me over it and hasn't spoken to me, (not even at Dad's funeral mind you) since, and it's been nearly 5 years now. And my brother considers himself a 'man of the cloth.'

    Yes, I tee-totally understand your pain, hon. But I'm going to be honest with you if I may? That feeling of 'great and sad' you have may continue to come and go like highs and lows unless you and your brother ever try to resolve this face to face. I've been on the see-saw 5 years because mine refuses to talk to me about our family issues, which we both know goes deeper than that sandwich.

    Sometimes, like you, I feel better but maybe it's just anger that's fooling me. Other times, like Christmas, I really miss him and would love to laugh about memories of Dad and being kids and such. Those things you just can't substitute with onliners or anyone else. So I keep sending cards, talking to my SIL, and reaching out.

    If I were your fortune cookie I'd say: "You still pretty young sister, he still dip-shit brother. Don't burn any bridges." ;)

  18. Darling Hausfrau,
    Good for you girl......get it off your chest (no pun intended....well maybe?). Tell they're all number 1 and they know which ONE!!! As sad as it is t say, sometimes you just have to cut the people who only cause you heartache and pain outta your life for your own self preservation. Does that make sense?
    My parents both died when I was 13/14 years old. The rest of my family has treated my brother's and I like pariah for years. You know the old can pick your nose but you can't pick your family. Now that so many years have passed, they wonder why I don't want much to do with them. Geez, go figure....they are f**ktards and at this point they can kiss my big ole hiney. We needed them desperately when we were yound orphans and they did nothing for us. As a mtter of fact....they looted our house and took most everything of value. My brother's and I barely have a thing that belonged to our parents.

    Thank you for your post today and thank you for listening. This really struck a cord with me and I'm sick of the special kind of "love" that our families give us. I think I needed to read your post today and I am crying while I'm typing this comment. I don't feel so great anyway today.
    You're the best and who in the world doesn't love a Glamourous Hausfrau my dear lady?
    Take good care, say hello to the girls (lol)and know that you have friends.........

    Steady On
    Reggie Girl

  19. I do understand completely. I have had people in my life let me down to the point that I had to stop running after them. It can be freeing, but it's also incredibly painful. I've had to go through this with my own father. Adopted or genetic...I'm not sure that makes a difference as to how it feels. I think human emotions for the ones we love and have in our lives are the same whether they are friends or family. Sometimes we walk away and sometimes they do the walking. It's heartbreaking either way. All you can do is hope that it all turns around, that it is all for the best in the end. It's important to maintain your boundaries, to maintain your self-respect and sanity. And, a lot of times, that's more important than maintaining a dysfunctional relationship.

  20. Sometimes we have to make hard choices like the one you've made.

    I've been in your shoes but my decision involved my father.

    I'm sorry for your loss. Even though it's a good decision for you and your family, it's still a loss and it's still hard.

  21. You'd think that illness or death in the family would draw the survivors close but that's not often the case.
    Too often what shows through is lazy hearts and greedy minds on one side and loving hearts and caring minds on the other. Glad that you're able to identify the former in your brother, and to provide the latter for your parents.
    Your parents were lucky to have you.

  22. I COULD just click off and check out the next blog on my daily reads. But that would take entirely too much self control.

    First, your brother sucks. He wasn't around when he should have been, he is selfish and was thrilled that you were handling this stuff so he didn't have to deal with it. I know this because I know "him" or at least 50 exactly like him.

    On the other hand...he is big part of your past. Face it, he was eye witness to things that no one else will ever know about. He tried to make ammends which means that he does care what you think.

    Maybe you feel better about making this permanent statement but I really don't think it is necessary. Talk to him, don't talk to him..send a card at Christmas or maybe send one in a year or two... These things aren't going to hurt either one of you. You need to let the anger go. It doesn't really sounds like he is an evil person...just a self centered jerk but he is your brother and I really don't think you should commit to totally cutting him out of your life forever.

    You never know how you'll feel three, five or even ten years from now.

    But then again, what the hell do I know?

  23. Oh, sweetie... I cannot imagine how painful that must be. I have no personal experiences on this subject but Christine does make a good point. You only have 1 brother, right. Even if he is douche. But please do what is best for you.

    Lots of love headed your way!

  24. You know that I, of all people, understand your situation, since it is nearly the same as mine. I grew up as an only child.

    After I met my birth mom, I met her two adopted children; a girl who is now somewhat disabled, but nice and a boy who is a shit and was loser from day one. I am SO glad that I was never thrown into contact with any of them as I was growing up. I would not choose to associate with the two kids under any circumstances, and I'm so glad I didn't have to. I will be polite to them, but that is all.

    I know how that must hurt - or make you enraged - as it would me. Good riddance to bad rubbish. It happens in so many families, even with birth siblings, so don't feel bad.

  25. I am overwhelmed by the comments today. And I appreciate them all. There are some very wise words here and I will take them into consideration, but I'm afraid the bridge is already burnt. After many episodes of forgiving and moving forward, I couldn't find it in me for one more chance. Anyway, thanks to all of you!

  26. I know this has been a long time coming for you.. I"m getting to a similar place with my brother & his WIFE in that we certainly would not associate if it wasn't for the connection of family!

    Hugs to you! I hope you've found the peace you needed in this situation.

  27. Wow! That's rough. But isn't it a great feeling when you can cut a toxic relationship loose and not feel trapped by it anymore? It's sad, but it's also such a relief when you get there.

  28. Wow, this topic hits a nerve with me. I totally understand where you are coming from, and I feel that you made the best decision.

    Sometimes cutting someone loose is the only way. Who would benefit from a toxic and tense relationship like that? Certainly not you. It is very hard, but I think necessary.

  29. I have been in the same place. My brother is an ass and stupid to boot. He was the caregiver for my mom at his insistence, moved in with her, fired the day care person that was supposed to be with my mom while he worked, stole money from her banking accounts and had the walnuts to say to me "You don't understand what it's like to lose your mom and dad" and then proceeded to try and get the money left to my kids by having them "invest" in some BS scam he had cooked up. i consider myself an only child. he is erased from my life.

  30. in a way I'm kinda jealous .... but we can't choose our family ....

  31. Late again with my comments! I agree.... it's time to move on. Sometimes, there are people you just can't get along with even if it's family. Hugs to you honey. It will get better. ((((hugs))))

  32. You did all you could...........and more!

    You are so much on a higher level than your brother and his bitch wife and I'm glad you made the choice you did!

  33. Oh, ETW. I feel so bad for you *hugs*

    But, cutting out people like that will be better for you and your family in the long run, once the hurt and sting of all the douchbaggery on their parts has faded.

    I went through a similar thing once, and I can tell you it is much less stressful knowing you don't HAVE to let them near you if you don't want.

  34. I'm sorry.

    I'm happy for you, but I'm sorry.

  35. That is insane. I am sorry you went through that. You consider suing??

  36. I read early in the day (before the bajillion comments) but didn't have a chance to post at work.

    Family is a weird thing. But you only have one brother. He fucked up, bigtime and let you down and you have every right to write him off. Even permanently.

    I also believe people can and do change, sometimes, eventually.

    So maybe at this point cutting him out is the right thing to do. But maybe in the future, you should have open ears if he tries to contact you again.

    I don't think it matters biological or adopted. Nurture over Nature I believe. He was raised as your brother and should be the same as blood. And sometimes our blood relatives are assholes. We can't all be awesome. Just keep an open will guide you in the future.

  37. WOW!! You are a popular girl. Holy crap, there's so many comments, I don't even have time to read them all...
    Anyway, good for you. I had to do the same a few months ago except it was my brother's wife and children.
    Just because they're family doesn't make them goos people, blood or not. Either way, life is too short to let poeople make you feel bad. Their loss, believe me. *Hugs*

  38. I was searching around on blogger and came across this post. I wish you the best in this situation and hope that you get back to leading a happy life. I can identify with having family issues regarding the death of a loved one and with having a sister in law you don't get along with.

    My sister in law is about as worthless as can be. I call her "Satan" and only put up with her because she married my brother who is about the nicest person on earth. My sister in law is "Bitchy", lazy and has no ambition other than for my brother to graduate college and take care of her.

    You took the high road, be proud of yourself! But I can say from experience that it may be too early to write your brother off for good, he maybe influenced by an evil wife; mine is! Best of luck to you either way!

    Sorry about "Anonymous post" but I am just lurking around and checking this blogging thing out.

  39. Every tear you wiped, every toilet you cleaned, every day of pain you had to endure was for your parents, not your brother. What riches he has thrown away because of his selfishness. May he one day realize the things he missed. May he have a daughter like you, and not like the son that he was to his own parents.

    That said, my hope is that as you close the door on your brother, you don't lock it. Don't let his toxicity leach into your life, but if you can, leave a tiny opening in the door for the sake of your Mama and Daddy. May they become an instrument in his life so that he may realize the blessings he has thrown away because of his lack of character. Not for him, but for them. And maybe for yourself.

    This is my hope and prayer for you. Hang in there hon!


  40. Do what is right for sounds like you have.
    Love to You

  41. Clearly you don't need that kind of crap in your life. Not good for you or the ET and kids. You are well rid of him. Be of good cheer for your family is the one you've built. I too lost both my folks within 2 years. You have moved on and done so splendidly. Feel free to dump your thoughts on us here in blogtown anytime. It's probably as good a function as we can serve, so use us.
    Take care,

  42. whew... what a story. I am so sorry to hear that you guys aren't closer and that you couldn't lean on him when your parents died. I have a similar situation with family members and with no malice, I have decided my contact with them will be extremely limited. I can only take so much of their insanity before I break so I need to keep my distance. good luck to you! hugs!

  43. I am so sorry to hear that, ETW. What a tool. If I were there I would give you a hug.

  44. Gotta do this sometimes. I'm working on my guilt for kicking people out of my life. but youre right if you werent related then you wouldnt be friends. It's hard but getting easier.