Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Menfolks, You Don't Want to Read This

I am serious as a heart attack here. DO NOT read this if you are squeamish about "female issues".

I had a hysterectomy in early September. It's still one of the best moves I've made in life, according to me.

Through the grace of God and my stubborn willfulness, I managed to give birth to the 2 children I always wanted. After that, I figured all that inside junk was just cancer waiting to happen. It took me a few years to convince my OB/GYN that the junk just needed removal. I was able to keep my ovaries, so while I am peri-menopausal due to my age, I do have the "good" hormones working for me - at least for a bit.

The thing I am happiest about is no more monthly "female trouble". I started at 12 and even back then, I opted for OB tampons because they seemed less intrusive and easier to use. The thing is, you have to actually touch your va-jay-jay with these. There is no applicator. Those applicator types always skeeved me out.

After the "deed" is done, you have to dispose of the "soiled" applicator. And all that crap goes into a landfill. The plastic ones can take years to decompose. Plus, it's filthy.

This is coming from your conservative correspondent who does not believe in Global Climate Change (global warming) or any of that other horse shit. I just believe in keeping the Earth clean. WHY do ladies still use the plastic or even the scritchy cardboard type tampons when they could use OB or the Diva Cup?

If I had known about the Diva Cup before my surgery, I would certainly have invested in it. Sure, it seems icky, but it's YOUR body. Why would anyone be ashamed to touch their own body parts?

For females, menstruation is a fact of life. It's the giver of life, if you want to see it that way. You ovulate, the lining of the uterus builds up a "nest" for a fertilized egg and that's the way things go.

However, I find the people who would perch in a tree for months to save it from loggers don't want to touch their own lady parts with their hands. WTF???

Follow the lead of this Conservative Republican and save your smarmy plastic tampons applicators for some other use, not in a landfill. That's what is the grossest thought of all. Not that someone touched their own hoo-ha.

You can always wash your hands. You can't always save the environment.

Happy Tuesday, hooligans!

P.S. It is Jeff Kay (from the West Virginia Surf Report)'s birfday. Get over there and wish him happy happy! (Sorry to tack you on the end of a period post, Jeff. You know I love ya!)


  1. My girlfriend bleeds a lot when ragging, so we decided the most effective device for her is the, Sham Wow.

    Soaks it all right up and then we just rinse it out, wring it out and stuff it back in. No landfill problem, here.

    Cheers ETW!!

  2. I love how you talk about your vaj-jay...and then as an added bonus, "hey let's wish Jeff a Happy Birthday"...I'm sure it wasn't meant to be funny but I damn near spit my coffee out when I read the "PS"...va-jay jay's and birthdays go together like peanut butter and jelly!

    Have a great day! :)

  3. Sham Wow, now that's just darn funny period!!! :-)

  4. I touch my lady parts all the time...oh, you meant at THAT time.

    I've been using the Instead but maybe at Matt-Man's suggestion I should switch to the ShamWow as well.

  5. why didnt you warn me not to read that?

  6. Um...the diva cup is just vile. The concept makes me want to cry. I googled it a few months ago when another blogger talked about. Nightmares.

  7. Matty - My Sham-wows made it thru one washing (and that was after soaking up soda from carpet), then they were 86'd.

    Chandra - I had to vent my spleen, but I got mad love for Jeff, so I had to add it on! LOL.

    Jennifer - save your money and buy the OBs.

    Ron - Oh, no, you DIDN'T! But, you totally just did.

    MC - Now I have to google the Instead... Curiosity is my middle name (no, I don't have a middle name, so I just make them up every now and again).

    Slyde - What did you want? YOUR eyes kept on a reading it after the caveat! ;-)

    Karen - When I first heard about it (after my surgery), I was a bit disgusted, but then thought about how practical it might be. If that seems too icky, try the OBs. They even come in a handy multi-pack for different flows... LOL.

  8. The "Diva" cup. Serioulsy who are we fooling with that crap? There is nothing divalicious about that. You remove the cup, dump out the blood, wash and reuse....ugggh, yuck! I am not scared to touch my vagina but the bloody cup inside... well thats another story.

    Sorry ETW, I'ma have to help the earth in another way. I am awesome at recycling for example. Everything but my blood collector cup..that is. Sad to say but I will be adding to the earths destruction every month for a few more years at least.

  9. I really should have taken your advice!

    But it was all worth it to learn you don't believe in that hyped-up, costume jewelry of a theory known as global warming.

  10. At the end of my - uh - fertile time, I was thinking of investing in the Diva. Such a wonderful idea, and a great way to learn to be comfortable with your body! For me, things ended before the purchase was made, but for all those peri ladies out there - think on it. When Day 20 of the latest "interminable period from hell" is upon you, you might just want a cup for protection.

    Thanks for the post!

  11. Personally I love the Yaz my GYN put me on so I would stop trying to beat the people who ate my chocolate.

    The nice side effect is that I have 2 or 3 periods a year and they last for 2 days, tops.

  12. I am somewhere between mystified and horrified by the Diva. That's probably because the first product of that type was known as The Keeper. Yeah. No.