Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Dear Miss Manners

I have a weird and uncomfortable etiquette question and I need answers, kittens!

When the Evil Twin got sick, he was very concerned about the medical bills. 

I told him, "You focus on getting better. Let me worry about the bills when the time comes."

And lo, after a few weeks, the bills started coming. And coming. And, I had said I would take care of things, but frankly, I was starting to sweat it a  bit.

You all know ETW, cheap as the day is long! I don't even like to part with a nickel...even if it's someone else's nickel, I want to hang on to it! LOL.

All through his treatment and illness, friends and family alike would ask over and over again, "Is there anything we can do?"

Well, the day to day operations around here were pretty cut and dry. I could handle that stuff. Buddy took over taking out the trash, other things just kind of got put on the back burner for a bit, but day to day, we did all right. 

Even though we do have insurance, our copays and deductibles were outrageous and as we got further and further behind, I decided to ask for help. 

So many people had asked "what can I do?", I figured this would be one thing they could do to help, if they were in a position to do so. So, I set up a crowdfunding site just to raise money for his medical bills. The response has been pretty positive and we've received many generous and heartfelt donations, and we are extremely blessed! 

Just to be able to give these creditors $15 or $20 a month keeps them off my back for a bit and eventually, our goal is to - of course - take care of it all. A good portion of money has been our own and then, we've been blessed with the donations, so we've kept afloat a bit on the medical bills. 

This is my dilemma: Early on when I first "debuted" the crowdfunding thing, I received an email from an old friend of mine who wanted our mailing address. This person said, "Watch your mail for a check from us." 

So, I did. But, no check ever arrived. 

The Evil Twin has been sending out Thank You notes as he is up to it and for those who made donations outside of our "funding" venture (like sent personal checks, etc.), he sends out handwritten notes. On the funding site, it offers a way to thank those people directly by email, so depending on the situation is how he handles the Thank Yous. 

I don't expect anyone to send us anything at all. I just threw it out there as a "hey, some folks wanted ideas for helping, this would be awesome if you could help this way." type thing. No expectations at all. 

However, here's this one situation. I don't want this person to feel awkward if they changed their minds and couldn't send anything by mail. BUT, do I let them know I didn't receive anything, in case it got lost? My other issue is that even if it is lost, I don't expect them to replace it, but in my opinion, a Thank You note would still be in order. 

That would be the polite thing to do. I think it's rude if I/we send no Thank You and they did send something, but we just never got it. Then, they might be sitting at home, thinking "Those ungrateful assholes! Not even a Thank You postcard or email!" 

See what I'm saying? I feel like a jerk if I say something and I feel like a jerk if I do nothing. Sooo, hooligans, what DO I do? What would you do? I really need help on this one. 

Oh! And have a lovely Wednesday! 



  1. I have been in a similar situation with wedding and Christmas presents and I never know what to do. If these people are some you see with some frequency, say "I have not gotten any mail from you - just so you know." I know that is awkward but the alternative is to say nothing, and then you look like you are ungrateful if they did send something and it went awry.

  2. Connect with them. Let the know you've been swamped but don't recall receiving anything in the mail. They may have gotten distracted and forgotten. Follow-up just the one time. If they still don't send anything, let it drop.

    I wouldn't send a thank you note unless you receive something. Unless ET just wants to thank them for "continued thoughts and prayers." It could be seen as a snark if the person(s) decided not to send something

    Just my $0.02.

  3. Some people say they are going to do something, when they have no intention of actually following through. If you ask, they're going to feel like you're fishing. If you don't ask, you're not going to get the moolah. Rock and a hard place. Eventually you'd think they'd balance their checkbook and notice you never cashed it. Does mail really get lost that much?

  4. Oy, that is a tough spot. I wish I had some good advice. Let it ride a little. I don't think mail gets lost that often. Maybe they found that they couldn't make a donation or it slipped their mind. And, if they did and it got lost and they don't get a thank you note, then hopefully the same compassion that lead to the donation will lead them to understand Barry may not feel up to the task.

  5. I'd think they'd know if you'd gotten it or not, if only cuz it hadn't cleared their bank. I mean they know you, they know the situation...I doubt it slipped their minds.

    My guess would be something happened and their circumstances changed and they can't do it this month. Maybe something will change and they'll get it done.

  6. However, mail does get intercepted. I'd say something, especially since your friend said to expect it. Just let them know that, if something came up and they' weren't able to send, that's cool, but you did want them to know that the check never arrived in case they need to put a stop payment on the check or to watch their account for malfeasance.