Friday, January 4, 2008

I Should Be Committed

It's like I mentally stopped growing somewhere around age 10, maybe 18 or so. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that I'm a married mom of two and a two time homeowner. Well liked and respected by my church community and other adults I meet at my son's school. I bet they think I'm completely normal! Well, until they see my tattoos maybe....

Just the other night, we had spaghetti for dinner. The Evil Twin always helps me after dinner by cleaning off the dishes and loading the dishwasher while I put leftovers in containers and clean up the rest of the kitchen and the dining room table (not to mention cleaning off Sissy - who was SO covered in spaghetti, I just had to put her in the bath right after dinner!). So, we have this system going. I was at the stove wrapping the leftover bread in foil.

When finished, it resembled a large, silver penis. Not being able to resist, I wagged it about crotch level and said, "Hey, honey." The Evil Twin turned from the sink and laughed at my disgusting display. Then, he said, "You know you are too old to be acting like that." and I said, "Oh, right - this coming from the almost 50 year old man who holds up cucumbers or zucchini at the market and asks 'Does this remind you of anything?' " No room to talk, there, mister!

If someone farts, we all laugh, but usually the person who did it will try to blame it on the bird - or the baby. She's a gassy one (the baby).

While I'm at it, I'll reveal another shameful tale that I still laugh about, many years later. I think I've mentioned here (and everywhere) that I really will not use a public toilet for #2 unless it is a downright emergency - and luckily, that has not happened to be the case often. After Sissy was born, we were at Walmart and my stomach started really, really hurting. When a sweat broke out on my upper lip, I knew there was only one option for me and that was to utilize the public restroom.

It was a serious situation and I was just silently praying, hoping, that no one around me was getting woozy from the vapors or could hear the carrying-on that accompanied said vapors.

I sat there for a while to try to wait out the current occupants and then I would make my move to slink out among new patrons who would have no clue where the horrid act was committed and therefore, would not know it was me. After all, I planned on washing my hands, so I didn't want to rush out - in a walk/run of shame.

When I finally found the Evil Twin and the kids, he kindly asked me if I was alright and I said that I was now - "But there was a brown light special going on in the restroom." Thank goodness he finds me plenty amusing, which is one reason he keeps me around. I can't talk about the other reason, although if you're smart and you use your powers of reasonable deduction, you can probably guess it.

11 comments:

  1. LOL, I hate public restrooms, but you gotta do what you gotta do. And I have done the waiting game too. Funny

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  2. I sit and wait until everyone is gone and then.....someone else walks in and I am doomed.


    Hum, let me guess....you have small feet? Pretty hair? Sexy eyes?

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  3. I know!

    You are 'really good at your job'.

    :)

    If someone at OUR house 'lights a torch', we blame it on one of the dogs. We have three, so we rotate the blame - just to be fair.

    If a NOISE is made, one of us yells "Who stepped on the duck?!"

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  4. A Brown Light Special.

    Between you and Tammie (The Blonde Goddess) I'd say I can stay entertained with descriptions of fart and poop incidents for the next few years without having to Google the remainder of the Internet.

    My wife will surely appreciate you the next time I bang on the bathroom door yelling loud enough for the neighbors to hear, "What, you havin' a Brown Light Special in there?"

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  5. LMMFAO at the brown light special! I know that one's gonna stick in my head the way the ex-bf/painter stopping a conversation by saying "Mr. Dumper's pounding at the door" and scurrying off to the toilet. It's been decades and I still say it.

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  6. Public restrooms suck. I have trouble "performing" when there are people around and sometimes I can't even go. Then that just means I have to return to nasty restroom again shortly after and hope things work out this time

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  7. Ah Yes...the infamous "public restroom emergency" task. I always hope that someone does NOT recognize my shoes later in the store. It is amazing to me that we all have the same apprehensions, yet we are all human and have the same bodily functions. Ya do what ya got ta do!! p.a. only the dog farts in our house...lol

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  8. ROFLMAO!

    Now I gotta go to the bathroom!

    Seriously though, my quirk about the public facility is if they don't have toilet paper, what DO you DOO?

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  9. Nifty, I ll have a bed next to you.

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