One of his long term relationships ended about 25 years ago and it wasn't an amicable split, but once the dust settled, they did have very sporadic contact with each other. It never bothered me. I knew they had a history and keeping in touch, even if it was every 5 or 10 years in between, they still had that earlier history.
I'm not going to get into the details because it's their story and not mine to tell.
But, I think in longer term relationships, there has to be a basis of a friendship under all the relationship baggage - at least I would hope there would be.
Years after the end, the water is under the bridge and the hurts and disappointments and stupid decisions fade.
Recently, this ex (let's call her ETF, for Evil Twin's Friend) has been going through a difficult time and she gave him a call to talk. Later that day, he told me she had called. I said, "Oh, if she's in town, you should invite her over for dinner or drinks." When he relayed that message to her, I think she was a little taken aback. Like I would dislike her or something.
I never had a reason to dislike her as far as I was concerned. Some time passed and we finally talked for the first time. We have so much in common. We laugh about the same things, we have similar (weird) interests.
Anyway, we've become fast friends. Who knew? I wish we had "met" earlier. She lives in a different state, so we still haven't met in person, but her family lives in this area, so I'm sure we will meet at some point.
Every now and then, I'll think about the circumstances and reflect on what an unusual situation it is, but then again, it's not so strange if I consider her to be his friend AND my friend. Not necessarily his ex and my friend, know what I mean?
But, as I told her the other day, it makes sense that we'd get along. She dated him for many years and for him to have stayed with her long term, she had to have the qualities he likes most in a person. I have many of those same qualities, so.... I knew we'd like each other.
I'm honored to call myself her friend. I'm reserved when first meeting people and until I feel "comfortable" with them, I can be a bit on the shy side, but she is even more reserved than me, so for her to drop her guard and give me a chance really means a lot to me.
It's funny what life will throw at ya sometimes. And, it often turns out to be the perfect thing!
That's really great! I don't know that I could be so generous, as I'm more the jealous type. But I admire you for your friendliness and openness. Does the Evil Twin think it's all cool?
ReplyDeleteYeah... some women would never even give it a shot to see if they had anything in common.
ReplyDeletei have pretty much the same story to tell.. my daughters father ex and i became friend before me and him split.. they have a daughter together so we would go over there for "family" things and me and her clicked.. when my daughter was born the ex babysat my daughter and even still does off and on when i needed. I consider her one of my good friends now.. tho my ex hates that we are friends.. but I think its great and it keeps our daughters in touch too... plus i love the looks we get when we are out with our girls and we tell them that they are sisters... everyone always looks at us like wth?! lol.
ReplyDeleteits amazing that you did. my ex girl friend was very choosy about me meeting my ex'es and even with the given dynamics of what we had, it fell apart since she couldn't handle it. ETW is fortunate and lucky to have you for a life partner.
ReplyDeleteIt's so funny how people find it strange cause I'm with you, it only makes sense that two women who shared relationships with the same person (at different times of course)would have things in common. But, sadly, many people are too jealous and would miss out on a good friendship. I'd say, in your case, it's a clear sign of a strong, trusting relationship with ET. And that's always a good thing!
ReplyDeleteMrs. D - I know she is not "after" him, so why would I worry? The Evil Twin thinks it's great that we're now friends.
ReplyDeleteDoc - I know. Ancient history is nothing to be jealous about.
OM - It's good to keep the peace and just know there is no need for animosity.
BillieJ - We've always been honest and upfront with one another, so I think I'm the lucky one.
Paige - Yes, it is a good thing!
You are a far greater person then I am. My husband's Ex is a bitch on wheels and sometimes when she's in our little neck of the woods she calls or texts him. He never calls her back but I often tell him he should, I would think she has some unresolved feeling for him, even after all these years since she specifically told me 20 years ago that she will always LOVE him...I'm not a jealous person at all..I'm more curious as to what she would do or say to him.
ReplyDeleteANYWAY...it's great that you can be friends. I mean, if he was with her for so long and then started dating you, which obviously led to marriage and family then I would suspect you have some of the same qualities. I don't think it's weird at all. I mean water under the bridge right...
I think it's great when people can be secure enough in their relationships that they can be friends with their spouse's ex.
ReplyDeleteWOW! Never expected to read today's blog and it contain me! ...and I am so honored for the moniker of "ETF". I think it also appropriate to be "ETWF"! Thank you so much ETW!
ReplyDeleteYour strongest quailities are showing through in this post :)
ReplyDeleteI think it's great that everyone gets along. At least you know at some point you'll all get together and have a great time. Two thumbs up to all.
ReplyDeleteIt's all about trust. Both your spouse and the ex who becomes a freind. My hubs and I aren't in this situation since we both can't stand our exes, but my cousins best friend is the woman who married her ex fiance.
ReplyDeleteInteresting and really mature of you. When I was with my ex, I befriended an ex of his, but to be honest, it was a keep your enemies close thing. LOL
ReplyDeleteYou're lucky to have a husband with a nice ex... from what I can make of it mine's were all bonkers. not sure what that says about me!
ReplyDeleteYou know what? You and I share this trait!
ReplyDeleteI would feel very much the same as you do - un-threatened and welcoming of the opportunity to have another friend.
It takes a bigger person... You are it. Can't have enough friends.
ReplyDeleteYou know I think that is great. My Mom and my step dad's first wife got along great! They would visit her when they were in England and when he was dying she came and stayed with Mom for a little over a week. Mom was not at all bothered or threatened by the talks they had, she was quite secure in the her relationship with him. I'd like to think I am this kind of person. I haven't been in the position, yet, so we'll see...
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome! The only ex of The Husband's that I have ever met happens to be his besty's sister. She has 4 kids by 3 men and still hits on The Husband in front of me. Granted, I can't freaking stand her! I would like to think that I am secure enough that if an ex was cool I could be friends with her.
ReplyDeleteChandra - well, she is NOT a bitch, at all, so what's not to love?
ReplyDeleteJay - Plus, she's just a really nice person!
Anon - You're welcome. You deserve it. :-)
Robbie - Awwww, thanks. I'd like to think anyone would let bygones be bygones.
BB - I can't wait to actually meet her!
Cara - I think that's a big part. If the Evil Twin harbored ill feelings toward her, it would be difficult.
Karen - Been there, done that! LOL.
Zuzula - That he finally met someone normal! :-)
Dana - It's been so cool getting to know her.
Female - Exactly!
Mandy - I think it depends on what kind of ex you have to deal with. If they're a psycho, then that's tough, but when they're normal and sweet, it's a great match!
Dish - Yep, they need to be cool, not holding on to a lost relationship (as dating, not friends).
Ah you are person with a sense of maturity about you. How refreshing. I wish more people were like you. Cheers ETW!!
ReplyDeleteUnderneath it all, we are all just people who want human contact. Jealousy is such an adolescent emotion; it has no place in an adult world. What I find …interesting is this new dynamic that Facebook has created in regards to past, present and future relationships and exes. It’s an extraordinary new dynamic.
ReplyDeleteThat is so amazing that you’ve gleaned a friend from somewhere so unexpected!
You're lovely Lady Evil Twins Wife.
ReplyDeletexoxo
xuxu
That's pretty cool! Not sure how I would feel about that, but it's awesome that y'all found friendship that way. :)
ReplyDeleteI would love to be friends with my husbands ex-wife. It would make it easier on everyone, especially my stepdaughter. But sadly she is a physcohosebeast.
ReplyDelete