Anyhoodle, here are the secrets. None are mine.
1. This secret isn't exactly the salacious type that seem so prominent here, but here goes. in 1986, there was a military operation code named El Dorado Canyon. I wasn't a pilot or air crew member. My job was monitor and support. This mission was an air strike on Libyan targets in retaliation for a terrorist attack in Berlin. All targets were clearly military targets, but even so, there were some civilian casualties (collateral damage). During the raid, a school was hit and many children were killed. At that point in my life, I didn't have much love for Arabs, and I still feel very leery concerning them. When we hit our targets, there was a lot of cheering and high fives and general celebration. Even then, when we found out we had hit come civilian targets, my thoughts were.......big deal. They deserve it. It was sometime later when we found out that we had hit a school full of children, that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have children and at that time, both of mine were very young. I couldn't imagine how I would feel and how the parents of those kids felt when they found out their little ones weren't coming home. I am tearing up, as I write this and it happened 24 years ago. It left a scar. Today, I have grandchildren, whom I adore and my wife and I also teach Children's Sunday School and Church. I think I have a very deep love for children, in part because I want to help give back a little of what was taken that day.
2. I think I have a jack-off problem. I still like jacking off in the carwash, but I also used to jack off while driving. Of course, it is incredibly stupid and dangerous, but, well, I was a young horny guy when I did this. Anyhow, I would drop trou while driving and just go for it. That part wasn't too bad but the, uh, finale is where things got dangerous. It's not a great idea to close one's eyes and go into spasming fits while driving. Add to that the problem of catching the man sugar so it doesn't get all over and it makes for potential disaster. So, kids, stick to jacking off in the shower, not in cars, m'kay?
3. I heard the song "Runaway" by Love and Theft the today. After listening to the lyrics, I realized it was describing me. It said "I'm sick of where I work, My boss is such a jerk, don't care if I get fired..." But I have people depending on me, so I cannot get fired. But I don't like my situation.
4. When I get an email or phone call from my boss, it usually ends up bad for me. For the first time in my career, I actually cuss (aka swear) and give the middle finger to the phone and computer monitor. Its my only outlet for now.
#1, My heart breaks for you. I wish you didn't have to find that out, since what's done can't be undone. I hope you can forgive yourself.
ReplyDeleteHe was part of a support group. What exactly does he need to "forgive himself" for? "Forgive himself" for being a member of the US military? "Forgive himself" for following his directives and being a part of the operation? Just what are you implying?
ReplyDeleteI didn't imply he did anything wrong. Obviously he followed orders and it was an accident. But since it bothers him so and he feels bad for it I hope he can work past it. That's what I mean. Excuse me for trying to suppportive. Anything else???
ReplyDeleteWell, if he didn't do anything wrong, then who does he need forgiveness from? YouR statement suggests that he is admitting guilt for the deaths of innocents. Forgiveness cannot take place unless guilt has been established. Your statement presupposes guilt. Maybe you chose the wrong words to express your "support." Anything else?
ReplyDelete#1 what a terrible burden you have to bear. I can't imagine. God bless.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I'm still laughing at "man sugar" rofl!
I didn't choose the wrong words. I said what I wanted to say and if you don't like it then that's your problem. That's all.
ReplyDelete#1 is a hard thing to live with. I to hope he can "Forgive Himself". I don't think using that term needs to be nitpicked to death about implied guilt or not. Obviously he learned about a traumatic thing that happened while he did his duty serving his Country. He should be proud of doing his job and any man worth his salt would most likely feel the pain for civilian casualties, especially children, even though not at fault. The bottom line was and is that the hope for the healing of that scar that still brings him pain.
ReplyDeleteSo, if you didn't choose the wrong words then you're clearly admitting that you beleive he's guilty of something, since forgiveness is predicated on an assumption of guilt, period. Words mean things. Please learn what those words mean before you speak. If you don't like how the English language works then that's your problem. That's all.
ReplyDeleteMrs. D - Thank you. Yes, I still deal with this issue. I did and saw a lot serving both as an airman and as a civilian in AF Intel. I have been to therapy and I feel good 90% of the time. Even though I did what I was trained to do, and would do it again, there is still a "guilt" feeling that you come to terms with. Ask anyone who has been in a similar situation. I very much apprecaite your compassion
ReplyDeleteRotator - I get what you are saying, but Mrs. D was only expressing her support. So few people in this world know about this, it is nice to secretly share and get some support.
Mandy - Thank you
Ron - Amen buddy
ETW - Thanks for being a surrogate therapist through your blog
BTW, abiding by real definitions and actual meanings of words isn't "nitpicking." If you're foggy on the actual definition of a word, you probably shouldn't use it. If she didn't mean to express that sentiment, then she shouldn't have used that word. Period. There's no nuance, no subtle shade of grey. Forgiveness cannot be expressed, implied or given unless guilt is first present or assumed. Period. A desire for the word to mean something completely different doesn't negate the actual meaning of the term. If she didn't actually mean "forgive" by using the word "forgive" then she should have reconsidered another way of communicating that feeling. She states that she didn't choose the wrong words. So, if we take her at her word that she understands the meaning of the word "forgive," and she also claims that she chose the right word, then one can only assume that she very clearly implies guilt. You can't have one without the other, and no amount of verbal gymnastics can change that. What's so tough to understand about that?
ReplyDeleteRotator - Dude, take a valium. It isn't about understandng. Follow the spirit of the law, not the letter. Now I wish I would have never shared this.
ReplyDeleteSecret #1 - You are a brave man indeed.
ReplyDeleteMy grandfather served in WWII and has received award after award for his service, yet for decades after, he suffered horrendous guilt. It's only been in his later years that he's started to open up and understand that, to the rest of us, the ends outweighed the means. But the firsthand sights and suffering are a tremendous weight to bare.
Sorry, I thought that words held specific meanings. Silly me for imposing such lofty ideals on the English language. That being said, I apologize for getting being clear on the matter. But, considering that my definition of the word "apologize" is whatever I want it to be at the moment, you can use your imagination.
ReplyDeletewow... i am just sitting here with my jaw dropped in awe over these comments...
ReplyDelete#1 My heart goes out to you... whether you feel guilt or whatnot.. you are still dealing with something that is tragic. You are a great man for one- doing what needed to be done even when the consequenses were not known at the time.. two- you stood up for your country (i guess that would go along with number one) three- you are man enuf to open up (even in secret) about what happened and how you feel.. a lot of people supress this and end up worse or deny the facts that it happened or blame someone else for it. It is what it is and that is a sad reality. you seem from your posts you are a great man and have learned a lot of the situations that you have been it. I wish you total healing and happiness.
#2 yea.. im over here laughing about the man sugar... i like that term.. im gonna have to use it.
#3 I know how you feel with hating your situation... i have days/weeks/months where i feel like that... i hope you are able to change the situation... or be able to find some happiness and peace in it.
#4 I used to laught at my ex. cuz he would do that...get man and the middle finger to the phone, computer, a building whatever reminded him of something negative... yea... now i do it to.. it feels good sometimes...
ETW- thank you! you make my fridays bright... well you make my everydays bright! im glad that ive found ur blog.
I love Friday secrets and read ETW all the time, but never comment. I have to say that today has brought me out of the woodwork.
ReplyDelete#1, I think all of us send our best to you.
Rotator: you need to get over yourself. You took a situation that belonged to someone else (#1's secret) and made it all about you and your anger, and your need to speak, and in doing so, negated any good feelings #1 had in getting this secret off his chest. You should take some time, look deep inside yourself, and explore why you can't just let #1 have his feelings, and let others have their responses. It's not all about you.
ETW: if it was my blog, I'd ban Rotator for bringing bad karma.
jessiee
Someone's being a dick this morning.
ReplyDelete#1 Thank you for sharing. Most people don't realize that despite not being in charge of what you do, or even having pride in severing your country can still leave you with immense guilt that you place on yourself...not that others are projecting on you.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was medically discharged before deploying buy, 12 years later still has nightmares about the time he served.
All of those who serve and have served deserve support and understanding. Thank you! Will be praying for peace in your heart.
Wow! #1 my heart goes out to you too. I know other people who have had similar experiences to yours and it is something that stays with you forever. God bless you.
ReplyDelete#1 Having served in the military during Desert Storm, I know your story well. Although I was never in combat, I was in the medical field and saw the aftermath of duty to one's country.
ReplyDeleteIt does sound like you've found a wonderful way to address the moral conflict you feel. That is a gift to all.
I agree with Chameleon...
ReplyDeleteThanks #1 for sharing. I am sorry for your pain and most sensible people thank you for your service, feel for your pain and appreciate your candor.
ETW- See what happens when there aren't any boobies?? It's CHAOS!!
ReplyDelete{{You took a situation that belonged to someone else (#1's secret) and made it all about you and your anger, and your need to speak, and in doing so, negated any good feelings #1 had in getting this secret off his chest. You should take some time, look deep inside yourself, and explore why you can't just let #1 have his feelings, and let others have their responses. It's not all about you.}}
ReplyDeleteLet's see: Proper grammar and word usage = anger and bad karma. Okayyyy.
How in the world am I denying anyone their feelings or others their responses by pointing out such an error? I don't understand. I don't have the power to censor anyone or delete their comments from this board. Please explain. Maybe I denied Mrs. D the opportunity to publicly display her high school grief counselor "hey, everybody look at how compassionate I am" comments effectively (because, after all, to some folks those feelings hold no real value unless they can be paraded about publicly - it makes them feel like they've done something meaningful, at least in a Dr. Phil sort of way). I'm a regular reader here. My husband is a career Marine. He's witnessed some terrible things during some of his deployments. He's seen collateral damage and he's seen innocents die. It happens in war. It happens in EVERY war, to some degree. It's a terrible thing, and there are times that it still really bothers him, and it IS a terrible burden to bear. He feels badly about some of those times, but he doesn't feel guilty, and he'll be damned if he lets someone else assign any guilt to him for just doing his job and defending our way of life. There is a real desire by certain people in this country to make our military carry a guilty burden for everything they do. While attempting to maintain the appearance of sympathy to the plight of a soldier while at the same time (unintended or no) projecting guilt on them is hurtful to some people. I'm just saying people should write what they really mean and if their grasp of the English language is so poor that they can't even define the word 'forgive" or use it correctly, then they should probably invest in a fucking dictionary instead of getting their panties in a wad over people who read their responses and interpret them as they're WRITTEN, not as they're erroneously "meant."
Rotator - I want to thank your husband for his service, and you for yours, because being a military spouse is very difficult. Maybe this whole thing could have been avoided if the term "survivor guilt" would have been used. I checked my dictionary and it said this about survivor guilt...Survivor guilt is considered to be an associated feature of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It refers to a phenomenon wherein those who survive a traumatic event that had many people fatalities begin to experience strong feelings of guilt for having lived through the event. At extreme levels, survivor guilt may result in self-condemnation or self-punishment, as well as severe depression. I pray your husband never has to deal with this. Unfortunatley, I did/do. My son-in law,like your husband, is also a Marine and served 3 tours in Iraq. He saw some nasty stuff and he also suffers with this. He is in therapy and will hopefully recover and cope as well as I.
ReplyDeleteWow...Rotator's noggin is really spinning. I her head doesn't assplode. Cheers!!
ReplyDeleteRotator - you're insane - come out with your real name. Don't hide behind the internet and use your real name when you spew out your nonsense. So who cares that your husband is in the marines. I pay taxes and that pays his salary - and sure I salute his work. But that doesn't give you any right to start lecturing us on what is right and wrong. We don't live in a freaking military dictatorship.
ReplyDeleteMrs. D - hang in there. We're with you. These small minded nit picky whomever they are are chicken. They won't even use their name when they post.
A see that you took a previous poster's advice and banned me, as your blog will no longer allow my comments. What a nice reward for being a regular reader and supporter. So much for the free exchange of ideas.
ReplyDeleteMy name is Connie Wertham. I suppose that Zack T. is your real name? Zack T.? Is that your phone directory listing, and imprinted on your cheques? And you call ME chicken?
ReplyDeletei guess every one it talking about #1 . i guess being a part of something like that can be hard on some people. and he was only in the support unit.good you opened up. hope your goodness reaches hearts of kids that need it .
ReplyDelete@#2 ,MAN!!! you think you have a jack off problem?? welcome the the club man.. but i don't have a jack off problem. in my case i think its my right full and normal thing :D..
and #3... do love you boss just like that :).. keep throwing the middle finger at them. and if you want and extra hand lemme know :P
I normally don't respond to comments on Fridays, but I want to let Rotator know that I have banned no one. If comments are not coming through, then that's a Blogger issue. I don't censor my readers or those who comment.
ReplyDeleteI want you to censor me...It just sounds so sexy and dirty. Cheers ETW!!
ReplyDeleteMmmm. It's quite interesting over here at ETW's page. I'm not even going to put in my two cents because I have NO IDEA how Secret #1 feels, no would I ever begin to try and venture a guess. All I'll say to Secret #1 is a great big THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE ! THANK YOU FOR KEEPING ME SAFE AND RISKING YOUR LIFE.
ReplyDeleteHey ETW - maybe a boob shot would have calmed down the aggitators today !
Mrs. D is right...no boobies = big conflict.
ReplyDeleteFor me #1's issue is like having a car accident that kills a child. Sure it was an accident, but the driver can feel sorry for what happened.
#1 good luck and my God give you peace.
...Al...
Ok. I only have a few things to say. I am also a military spouse. I would never blame, place guilt, or undermine anything that any service person has done during combat.
ReplyDeleteNo one here, the regular readers of ETW, judge or blame each other.
He had a secret to tell. The rest of us are supporting him.
Rotator- I am not trying to be disrespectful. But coming here and bashing the regulars is not the way to make friends or change any opinions.
Ummm ... Dish?? A troll's agenda never includes making friends - it's all about control and selfishness.
ReplyDeleteRotator made sure that what should have been an opportunity for Secret #1 to experience healing became all about her. And when she could no longer get a rise out of Mrs. D, she accused ETW of censoring to get the attention back again.
Sad critters those trolls ...
Holy shit! Happy Friday, eh???
ReplyDeleteI'm with #1. I was a Marine Infantryman - Desert Storm & Somalia. Do the math - I saw, and did, more than my share of bad shit. We all FEEL guilt, without having to be "guilty" of anything by the definition of the word. Survivor guilt is a big one - why did somebody else die & I didn't? It's common to FEEL guilt for collateral damage after the fact. But when you do something in the act of trying to save yourself or your brothers it's worth it. Basically, the end justifies the means. But it's not going to make me proud of the fact that I may have buttstroked a kid in Somalia because he threw dog shit at my squad, or something along those lines.
Rotator - get over it. Nobody likes the grammar police. You coming here & blowing shit up over somebody supposedly casting guilt on someone else ain't exactly cool.
Rotator - to show you that I do not censor, if you still can't get a comment to post, you can email it to me at eviltwinswife@gmail.com and I will post it on your behalf. I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, and that is why I would never block comments (and I don't even know how).
ReplyDeleteAnd before Rotator jumps on ME for a definition, Buttstroking is absolutely NOT sexual.
ReplyDelete:)
SoLow .... OMG !!
ReplyDeleteAm *I* the only one that noticed Rotator using A instead of I? Geez, if you're gonna nitpick....nitpicking starts at home.
ReplyDeleteThanks #1 for your service and your story. I can't imagine what you've gone through for me and the rest of our country, but you are appreciated.
#1 - I suppose there are never any real winners in WAR. I can't imagine what exactly you have been through, as I have never been in your situation, but I doubt anyone would judge you. You served your country and did your duty. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great group of stories - from the heartwarming to the downright hilarious. Man sugar is my new favourite phrase!
ReplyDeleteApart from Rotator getting right up my left nostril that was a cracking post babe.
ReplyDeleteJacking off in a car wash eh? Interesting...er...different...was it the suds?
#1? Nowt to feel bad about mate. War never brings out the best, always the worst. You're one guy. You couldn't control things. Shit happens. Good luck mate.
ETW: You should find a national paper who wants to pick up Friday Secrets.
ReplyDeleteClearly it is relevant.
Really.
and. I wish I had a joke to pick you up from the blahs. I will find a good one.
xoxo
xuxu
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