Friday Secrets

1. I have a huge infatuation with a 55 year old woman (I think that's how old she is, she could be older). I'm in my mid 30s. We have the same work out schedule at the gym. I've been watching her work out for over six months. She's tremendously hot, firm ass, nice tits, petite figure. The other morning we were near each other doing our abs. Under my breath I said "oh yeah I'd fuck that ass." No idea why that came out - believe me I did not mean for that to come out. She must've heard. She looked straight at me for five seconds (felt like eternity). We felt a connection. I felt an erection. We never said a word then went about the rest of the work out. I came home and masturbated in the shower.

2. I'm a high school teacher. In class, I dress prim and proper, but away from school, I dress more like this:


That isn't me in the photo but I can pull off that outfit without embarrassment. If my students, not to mention the other teachers, only knew.

P.S. I'm typing this while in class.

3. I was looking at the cartoon header of your blog. I don't know if this is a confession or a request, but could the Evil Twin create a version where you are only wearing the apron and nothing else. Needless to say, the pencil, duster and spoon have to stay, and naturally, the apron could be a little lower cut.

How's this?


Those are the Friday Secrets! Enjoy!

799. The Dinosaur Era

This is post 799 for me. And, I'm going to talk about dinosaurs for a couple of reasons. First, Buddy had a science project where he had to do a diorama-type visual aid on the dinosaurs of the Jurassic Period.

He had all the ideas, I merely helped him find some resources for information. I already knew that some dinosaurs were herbivores and others were carnivores, but I didn't have a distinct knowledge on specifically which ones ate leaves and shit and which ones ate littler dinosaurs. I'm now further educated on that topic.

It all made me think about my days as an herbivore (or vegetarian, to bring it up to date).

For nine years, I ate no meat, no meat by products. I did eat dairy - milk, cheese, eggs, that sort of thing. But, I did seriously scour labels. If the product had lard, beef broth, chicken stock or anything of that nature, it was not for me.

I practically lived off Campbell's Vegetarian Vegetable soup, hard boiled eggs, yogurt, Dr. Pepper, beer, potato chips and macaroni and cheese.

No wonder I only weighed 105 pounds in college (at 5 foot 9). I had a vegetarian and very controlling boyfriend at the time who monitored my food intake. I stayed at 105 for him. (and there's more, but that's a whole 'nother blog).

This was all back in the early 80s to the early 90s and being a vegetarian at that time was not only difficult, it was expensive.

Extra fun was had by trying to get food at any sort of restaurant - be it a nice sit down one or fast food.

One time, the ex BF and I went to Bennigan's. They had a black bean soup on the menu that sounded really good. So, I asked our server: "Is this soup made with any beef or chicken broth or stock?" Of course, in all her pimply teen server manner, she rolled her eyes and said she would check with the kitchen.

She returned and reported that the soup contained nothing I had asked about, so I ordered it. It arrived on my table and I sipped a spoonful. There was SAUSAGE in it! Um, hellooo? No meat means no meat, right? Dum dum took the soup away and didn't charge me for it.

Another time, I went to Burger King with some college friends. I ordered a whopper with cheese and everything, except NO patty. They looked at me as if I were growing a dick from my forehead, but charged me and delivered the product.

I never eat a fast food sandwich without first inspecting under the top bun. Most times (even today), I wipe off most of the half a jar of mayonnaise they like to slather on. I like mayo, but let's use some moderation here, mmmkay?

Okay, so I lifted the top bun and found teeny bits of meat flecks. What in the stir fried hell of patchouli was up?

I had to take the sandwich back to the counter, point out the offending meat flecks - and tell them that it was very obvious that an employee had just removed the patty from an already made whopper, re-wrapped it and acted like everything was just hunky-dory. I explained that I had been meat free for many years and if I ate that sandwich, I could possibly get very ill from it.

They fixed me a new sandwich, but I can't be sure there wasn't a booger on it or something. You know how vindictive food service employees can be.

After I met the Evil Twin, I knew keeping up with my meat free lifestyle would be difficult and I really missed tacos and bacon. Tofu tacos just don't cut it and fackon just isn't right, either.

So, I became an omnivore. Even though I still like ordering the vegetarian options at restaurants.

And there are some meals I fix (i.e. Thanksgiving dinner) where I won't eat anything except side dishes and the rolls. It's okay, I've been like this my whole life.

But, these days, I do truly love a single burger from Wendy's with cheese and everything - then I pick off the onions and wipe the bun down! ;-)

A Public Plea

Dear Mart of Wal,
I visit your establishment every Monday and sometimes even twice a week. Of course, I have my nearly four year old daughter with me while I do my shopping.

There are two things she loves about your store: getting a sticker and seeing the fish tanks.

The sticker is fine, unless she comes home and sticks it to the wall or some other piece of furniture. Then, I get a little irritated. But, really, that's nothing compared to the horror of the fish tanks.

I try, I really, really try to overlook the fact that in almost every tank, there is at least one "floater". How hard is it to have an employee scoop it out? Have someone swing by every half an hour or so and remove the casualties?

Because, really, I don't want to see that and I don't want my daughter to see it and start asking questions.

When the casualties are not scooped out in a timely manner, the other tank mates tend to snack on the floater. And, that is even grosser than seeing one belly up in the tank.

I do realize that most fish do not have a very long lifespan, but seriously, when there is a half eaten carcass floating in the tank and I can CLEARLY see it (not that I WANT to), one might think that an employee would also notice the carnage and get the little green net to dispose of the horror show.

Children love to gaze at those fish. Most of them will need therapy in years to come from witnessing the cannibalism that takes place at your establishment! Think of the children!

But, I have to thank you for at least helping ME lose a few pounds. I'm definitely put off eating after seeing those tanks.

Shoot, if you give me a baggie and a net, I'll clean the dead ones out for free on Mondays! Maybe you could throw in a cup of chicken nuggets for my kid for my trouble. Lord knows I don't want any food.

Along with the fish tanks, you should also make the employees check the restrooms more often. Or at least install automatic air fresheners. My child has to pee everytime we leave the house and those bathrooms smell like the "Brown Light Special" if ya know what I mean....

You're a kabillion dollar company! Clean up your act or I'll have to force my family to eat Wendy's fast food for the rest of our lives!

Sincerely,

Will It Work?

Around Casa Evil Twin, weekends are extremely laid back. The Evil Twin has worked hard all week, Buddy has been in school all week and I am desperately in need of a break from all the day to day “stuff”.

Since, I plan and prep meals all week, I'm a little burned out by Friday. I do all my planning and grocery list on Sundays – just in time for my Monday shopping excursion. On Saturdays, we do Saturday Day or Night Special. What this means is we typically will order fast food from the drive thru about mid day and just eat like pigs. Where we eat (McDs, Wendy's, etc.) rotates each week – depending on what everyone wants.

Then, Sunday rolls around. My fricken family expects to be FED on Sundays, too! Those ingrates.

I have become SO frustrated by the complaints on Sundays, that I have now declared “Crock Pot Sundays”. Whatever is in the crock pot is the meal 'o the day. Take it or leave it or fix your own shizzle, cause Momma is exhausted.

You would think this would be a perfect solution, right? NOPE. Now, I have to hunt down recipes that sound like something the whole family likes and will eat.

This past Sunday, I did the Savory Pot Roast. While the Evil Twin and I liked it, the kids were a little non-plussed and just kind of picked around at it.

The Evil Twin and I were both extremely picky eaters as children (and I'm still picky), so we chalk this up as revenge from his mom and my mom times two.

Honestly, the kids would be fine if I served spaghetti every day, but that's not happening. We call Buddy “Starchy McGee” and Sissy “Pester McFly”. He likes the starches, she likes the sugar.

I, of course, want them to have healthy, balanced meals. When I start to worry, I try to get all Zen about it and remember what my pediatrician told my mother, “Let her eat what she wants. If she's lacking something, her body will crave it and she'll get it.”

I guess it worked for me 'cause I'm still here. I've always been on the scrawny side and borderline anemic – nothing a little multi-vitamin can't handle.

I'm off to do research for crock pot recipes! Wish me luck.... Or, I'll be forced to actually acknowledge my family on Sundays and even COOK for them. Perish the thought! LOL.

Feeling Blessed!

Thanks for all the great birthday wishes for Buddy on Thursday. They were much appreciated. When I tell people his story, I hear the word “miracle” a lot. But, I tend to think any baby that makes it here is a miracle.

Buddy just had to work a little harder than a few others.

I also wanted to add in that he was born because I have an blood clotting disorder that had not yet been detected. Basically, the placenta was aged to a 40 week pregnancy, thought it's job was done and was pulling away from the uterine wall. But, I had no contractions or any other signs of impending labor.

He wasn't able to get enough oxygen and that's why he had stopped moving. When babies in utero are in distress, they try to save their energy by just coasting along for a bit.

We were told that if we had waited 6 more hours, they would have pulled out a dead baby. Not the kind of thing a mother wants to hear, but we just thank our lucky stars, guardian angels, God – who ever was looking out for our baby boy that all the pieces fell into place and not only did he make it, he survived.

And, I know I put this on my Twitter feed and also as my FB update, but I'm also going to brag here. Because that is every mom's right.

On Friday, Buddy came home from school with a note from the Reading Specialist. He had taken some sort of reading test and is reading at the college level!

All those years of reading him the same book 20 million times a day and taking him to the library have paid off. But, he comes by it honestly, too. He comes from a long line of avid readers.

This isn't what I had planned today, but this is what you're getting. I just felt like I needed to clear some things up from Thursdays post and kind of elaborate on it, which I didn't want to do in the comments section.

Hope you all had a weekend as nice as ours! :-)

Friday Secrets

There was an alarm clock malfunction this morning so we overslept. Ugh. At least it's Friday, finally.

The first secret was sent a week ago and either it went in my spam folder and I didn't see it or I didn't get it at all, so this person had to resend it. I'm very sorry it wasn't posted last week, but seriously, I didn't see it.

1. This special secret goes out to one of your loyal readers. It's a year later--plus one week--and I'm still dying to strip you naked and kiss you from top to bottom. That's just the beginning. Happy Anniversary--plus one week--Baby!. I love you.

2. I've been kissing guys I shouldn't be kissing. 2 are exs and one is dating someone else. In my own defense, the one seeing someone else started with me and I did make him stop...but I can't wait to see him again and see if he does it again.
 
3. Sometimes I tell the guy I'm seeing that I'm not available to hang out even if I have nothing better to do because I don't feel like shaving my legs.
 
4. I pretend to love having a packed schedule, but really it's because I get lonely and being busy keeps that feeling at bay.

5. You are going to break up with me. All the signs are there and I can read between the lines. Just do it already. You are giving yourself an ulcer.

6. I'm naked every time I send you a voice mail. Every time.

7. I wish you missed me the same way I missed you.

8. I wish you weren't so camera shy.

And there are your Friday Secrets. None of them are mine this time.

He's Twelve!

Oh my goodness. I can't believe that Buddy turns 12 today! I'm not old enough to have a 12 year old! Am I??? (Rhetorical question, don't answer that! LOL).

He was born in 1998. I write this same post pretty much every year on his birthday. But, it helps me. Up until he was about 10, I would have major anxiety in January. I think getting it all out is good.

Buddy was due on April 15, 1998.

When I couldn't feel him moving on the morning of January 21, 1998, I sensed that something was "wrong". I ended up calling my OBs office around 1 pm that day and reporting my apprehension. They told me to come on in, even though all the doctors in the practice had left for the day. (It was a Wednesday!).

Everyone I worked with, everyone I knew - including the Evil Twin - thought I was being paranoid. But, I drove myself to the doctor's office. The nurse performed a non stress test and said that the baby was moving, just so slight I couldn't feel it.

The doctor on call was informed and he made the decision to send me to radiology for a biophysical profile. The biophysical profile is an extensive ultrasound that measures a number of things, like movements, heart rate, etc.

On my way to radiology, I used the pay phone to call the Evil Twin and tell him what was going on. By the time he showed up at the hospital, the high risk OB on call was checking me out. He called my regular OB on call. We heard him say, "I'm looking for every reason in the world to not deliver this baby today, but I can't find one."

It was then we knew that Buddy was coming at 28 weeks gestation, a full 3 months before his due date.

He arrived by emergency c-section at around 5:40 in the evening. He weighed 2 pounds, 5 ounces and was 15 inches long. I was only able to get a spinal block (not an epidural) and no other meds that might make his situation more perilous.

The high risk doctor suspected his cord was wrapped around his neck, but when they pulled him out, that was not the case. And by "they", I mean three teams of medical professionals - the high risk OB and his staff, my regular OB and his staff and the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit neonatologist and his staff. There were roughly 20 people in the room. And, I know this because I was awake the entire time.

The Evil Twin saw the whole ordeal because there was no time to set up a drape in front of my face. He sat on my left and held my hand while the show went on. I remember we talked back and forth during the brief operation. I had a nurse holding my right hand, because they wanted to strap my hands to the table and I wouldn't have that, so they settled with having someone hold both arms down, so I wouldn't contaminate the sterile environment if I put my hands to my abdomen.

I briefly saw him as he was whisked off to the NICU. They said, "It's a boy!" and I said, "I know." They asked his name and we called it out. By the time I was cleaned up and in recovery, it was probably close to 7 pm. Then, I was moved into a regular room.

I still hadn't actually seen Buddy yet. It was after a firm ass reaming by my sister in law and much pleading on my part that I was finally allowed to be wheeled to the NICU in a wheelchair to see him at midnight.

I was able to touch him and the nurse took a polaroid picture so I could keep looking at him.

He was on a ventilator for 9 days, so we were unable to hold him during that time. I did get a chance to change his teeny tiny diaper about 4 or 5 days after he was born:



He spent 6.5 weeks (48 days)in the NICU. We brought him home at 3lbs, 12 ounces and on a heart/apnea monitor, but he was finally HOME!



I had a hard time finding clothes to fit, even the preemie clothes were just too big. I had to special order preemie diapers. I wanted to breast feed him, so I had a hospital grade pump and for almost 5 months, I pumped and fed him by bottle. I was a very busy, very frazzled mom.

On top of all that, he had the heart/apnea monitor, doctor appointments, therapy appointments and probably most importantly appointments with the opththalmologist. (that's a medical eye doctor). He had ROP (retinopathy of prematurity, which can cause blindness if not treated). He had laser surgery on both eyes before he was even due, but after being discharged from the hospital. He has worn glasses since he was 18 months old.

This little, tiny guy has grown into a straight A student who amazes me every day with his knowledge and desire to learn more, whether it's astronomy or building complicated LEGO sets, he takes it all in. He is a great kid!

Happy Birthday, Buddy. I'm glad you were such a fighter!



PS. I keep this poem close to me at all times. I post it every year, so I figure it's a tradition at this point:

Jefferey's Poem
By Garrison Keillor

When I first saw you, kid, you were tiny and thin,
And slimy and red and your head was mushed in,
I says to your mother, "He looks kind of sloppy,
And two pounds four ounces ain't big for a crappie."

But something about you, the look in your eyes,
Said you fully intended to grow to full size,
They slapped your backside and you let out a cry,
And I said, "We will keep him, at least we shall try."

Some babies are born in nine months, by the clock,
Some babies are born, and they sit up and talk,
Some babies are born, and no doctor is there.
Some babies are born, on a wing and a prayer.

Poor little fetus, as big as your hand,
Poor little fish thrown up on dry land,
Who came in April, though he had till July,
Too small to live and too precious to die.

They shipped you downstairs to the big Neonatal
Intensive Care Unit's computerized cradle
And attached you to wires and stuck you with tubes
Monitored closely by digital cubes.

And thanks to the latest neonatal therapeusis
And regular basting with greases from gooses
And hot chicken soup intravenously fed
You did not fade away, you grew up instead.

We'll always remember those months that you spent
With tubes in your head in the oxygen tent
And the mask on your face with the wires attached,
Sweet little boy who was only half-hatched.

I'm sure you'll grow up to mature and extend,
To six feet six inches and become a tight end,
But I'll always remember each doctor and nurse in
The NICU who helped make you a person,
The kid who crash landed, who was carried away,
Who survived it, this bundle we bring home today.

My New Motivation

As I said yesterday, Sissy is helping me right along with Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred workout DVD. She really goes at it with gusto. Way past the point where I'm wheezing and in pain.



I wish I had that kind of energy!!

We're gearing up for another round this morning. Wish me luck!

She Wants Me Dead

I started the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred workout DVD last week. I only did it once and only made it 9 minutes.

Then, I had to sit back and talk myself into it again. Which took a few days....

I finally got it back out this morning. The funniest thing is that Sissy loves it. You need hand weights and I do have 5lb ones from years ago, but Sissy felt left out, so I got into her bucket of blocks and chose 2 cylinder shaped orange blocks that fit in her hands just like weights.

She puts her weights with mine and we got started again this morning. I made it 11 minutes! Hopefully, I can work up to the full nearly 30 minutes of Level 1 before too long.

After my 11 minutes of torture, I finally just kind of fell over. Sissy said, "Mommy, have some water and you'll feel better." I drank some water and I did NOT feel better.

However, I left the DVD playing and she continued right along. She didn't do the moves to the letter, but she gave it an honest effort. It was adorable to see. She asks for the "stretching DVD" all the time. She actually wanted to do it again, but I told her once a day! My goodness, once a day is more than enough! LOL.

It's been about an hour and a half since I fell over in pain and my legs still hurt. I'm waiting a bit so I don't pass out in the shower.

It has definitely been interesting and I did get footage on the Flip camera of Sissy doing the rest of the workout. If I get motivated later on, I'll upload it to YouTube and copy it here. (It's shot from behind her, so you can't see her face).

But, I'm pretty sure Jillian Michaels wants me dead! ;-)

Monday Funny

You won't believe this one. I've watched it over and over and still laugh almost 'til I cry EVERY.TIME.



It's only 50 seconds long and it's not what you might think based on the title. Please check it out, you won't be disappointed!