Ok, I know you all are dying to hear about my colon blow experiment. Well, there's not much to tell really. It should have been called "The Beans and Broccoli Kit" because it was mostly a gassy feeling I had.
Of course, you might also know my motto of: Never trust a fart ™
So, I spent a lot of time worrying that I would have a "situation". Nope.
I also was secretly hoping I might pass a rubber chicken. Not that I've eaten a rubber chicken or anything, but you know those little capsules that you can buy? You soak them in water and they become these little foam animals?
For $20, one would think the manufacturers could have disguised a rubber chicken capsule as the Mega Fiber capsule and I would have never known. But, no.
I ate a billion Mega Fiber pills, about half as much "Gentle Laxative" pills and a few handfuls of "Super Milk Thistle" pills over the course of my two week experiment and don't really feel any different.
I didn't even lose ONE freaking pound. Then again, old Aunt Flo swooped in last weekend (and still won't get the hint I don't WANT guests), so I'm thinking there's probably some water weight there - and besides which, I tend to go into werepig mode when PMSing, so I could blame the copious amounts of food I digested in that time frame as well.
Anyway, there ya go. $20 for some farts and a touch of diarrhea. Next time I have a notion to do this, I'll just buy a Baconater from Wendy's for $4.
In other news, Sissy and I were up at the Mart of Wal on Monday. We were having a pleasant shopping experience when an older lady approached us. Sissy started SCREAMING and I turned to face the woman and she was so SCARY looking. She had bright red lipstick that was smeared on way past her lip line and really overdone make up all over. She looked like the Joker.
Sissy kept screaming, crying, clawing at me to hold her. It was pathetic really. And the lady asked, "What's wrong with your baby?" I said, "Oh, she just hasn't had a nap today." (she never takes daytime naps anyway....) and just tried to push the cart away from her.
A few aisles over Sissy said, "I scared of clowns." I know, baby, I know.
Thanks for the wrap up on the colon blow - I was wondering.
ReplyDeletePoor Sissy!!
Oh, God poor Sissy. My daughter is also deathly afraid of clowns..good answer though, I don't know what I would have said to her. Sorry you spent so much money on farts and poop. Coffee and chocolate with a little nicotine could have done that for ya.
ReplyDeleteYou should have looked at her and smiled then said, "It's so cute you let your toddler do your make-up in the morning."
ReplyDeleteClowns are scary and squirrel clowns are even worse.
The words "colon blow" do tend to indicate something more dramatic. Hmm. As for passing weird-looking items, try Alli if you haven't already. It was like a science experiement in my pants - Jeff Kay wasn't kidding about that. But it did work, I will give it that.
ReplyDeleteEat lots of fried stuff -always works for me! ;) Poor Sissy! Did that woman actually look in the mirror when applying the makeup - apparently NOT!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness...thanks for the laugh! Poor Sissy. I know exactly how she felt! :-)
ReplyDeleteI scared of clowns, too!
ReplyDeleteTiff - Yeah, I'm kinda down in the dumps (LOL) about the non-excitement. I just hoped to NOT run into that lady for the rest of our shopping!
ReplyDeleteThe Girl - well, now we know, at least!
Ron - I don't have problems with clowns, but this woman was beyond scary.
Alex - I heard that Alli makes you poop your pants, true? I don't want that.... LOL.
TGG - honestly, I think she may have been blind or at least seriously visually impaired....
Jennifer - it was funny, but I felt bad for laughing (in my head) because Sissy was literally shaking with fear!
Funny. I heard a commercial for some colon-clearing product on the radio this morning, and thought of you. I was wondering how it all all turned out...
ReplyDeletePoor Sissy, who could blame her for being scared!
ReplyDeleteThat's a little disappointing about the whole colon cleansing experience, at least you didn't have any accidents anywhere though and it only cost you $20...
Poor Sissy. Ron said it well. As far as the colon cleansing went...someon is buying a Christmas present with your $20 as we speak.
ReplyDeleteYou should have just told the woman she's scared of clowns. Heh.
ReplyDeletePoor baby! We have an old lady in our town whose husband/boyfriend scorned her many years ago (as the tale goes) and she never wanted another man to look at her again, so she has her hair dyed BLACK, puts white makeup on her face with big red lipstick and her hair in spit curls on her cheeks. It makes me freak out when I see her!
ReplyDeleteGinger - apparently, it's a common fear. :-)
ReplyDeleteGigi - I think my days of colon experiments are over! LOL.
Chandra - Yep,I figured it was worth a $20 gamble. And now I know! (I'm too curious for my own good sometimes).
themom - even *I had trouble looking directly at her! And, I hope they buy a nice gift. :-)
3C - I really wanted to say, "Your face is frightening my child!" but I didn't want to hurt her feelings... I'm such a doormat like that.
powerrail - I definitely don't want to live in your town! That's insane-type behaviour right there. Yikes! LOL.
Hmmm....gonna pass (lol...I said pass) on any colon remarks ;)
ReplyDeletePoor Sissy.....don't blame the pooor child though...I would have probably freaked as well...and then cussed her ;)
I'd be willing to spend $20 for a really good fart...I mean, one my son would be proud of! Like you say though, a couple bucks at any fast food/Chinese buffet and you get quicker results!
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, thanks for a good heap of OMG!
"Next time I have a notion to do this, I'll just buy a Baconater from Wendy's for $4."
ReplyDeleteThanks for the tip - it would be a lot quicker!!
OMG!! That's the best laugh I've had in a long time!!!
ReplyDeletePoor baby, she must have been scared to death.
As for the experiment, I has the same experience, too.
All hype. no blow.
I've been afraid of clowns since I read Stephen King wrote "It." Poor Sissy!
ReplyDeleteIf I want a good colon blow I drink eggnog. Works like a charm.
Efen - I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but even I felt odd looking at her! LOL.
ReplyDeleteWarren - You're welcome. I'm a giver like that.
Kenju - that Baconater has felled me before. Dastardly thing!
MsPulp - from now on, I'm just going to assume that my colon is spiffy and clean already and that's why no results. You can join my club! :-)
Inanna - ANY milk products are usually a colon blow for me. Sometimes I'm lactose intolerant, sometimes I'm not. /shrugs/
Oh, poor Sissy! I would have started giggling uncontrollably. I do that when I'm freaked out...or really angry. I probably would have been both...
ReplyDeleteAccording to my husband, taking Alli is like giving yourself an enema. With Olive Oil. He lasted exactly four days on the stuff.
She did not really say that...did she? Thats too friggin funny.
ReplyDeleteSorry the colonator didn't blow your mind (or your colon for that matter) I have Diarrhea way too often to be courageous enough to try that shit.
Whats TMI mean...?
blah. Not that anyone's clicking but I accidentally left the wrong URL link on my name.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Sissy. I'm afraid of clowns too. Once I saw Steven King's "It", it was all over. Clowns are not natural!
ReplyDeleteEven though I like lipstick on my woman, I do not like it all over the area between upper lip and nose.
...Al...
I'm with Sissy. I'm afraid of clowns too. Once I saw Steven King's "It", it was all over. Clowns are not natural!
ReplyDeleteEven though I like lipstick on my woman, I do not like it all over the area between upper lip and nose.
...Al...
Yah, I totally would have screamed and cried at the Clown Lady, too.
ReplyDeleteSheesh!
Once, right after 9/11 when the photo of Bin Laden in camo was shown all over the news, we were at Mal Wart and Isaac saw this guy in camo with a long, scraggly, greyish beard and Isaac started freaking out. He was screaming "IT'S BIN LADDER! HE'S GONNA BLOW UP THIS STORE!!!!! WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!!!"
The next day I had a long talk with the sitter about keeping the news shows OFF while the kids were up.
Hello, Sis of the girl ya don't bring home...Thanks very much for the birthday wishes...I hope Sissy won't hold that against ALL the clowns!!!
ReplyDeleteLOL
Have a great day!!!
Man...I can totally relate to Sissy. I think overly made-up old woman are the worst....right behind people who talk about their bowel movements on their blog:P
ReplyDeleteGood Lord... I'm fartee enought without any help.
ReplyDelete:) No colon blow for me.