One of my all time favorites is if I see someone exceedingly unattractive, I might say, "Man, S/he is uglier than a bag of assholes. With all the pretty ones taken out."
Or, "S/he's dumber than a box of rocks."
Another insulting phrase I use: "I wouldn't piss in his/her mouth if their teeth were on fire."
And: "S/he thinks she's hot shit on a silver platter, but really, s/he's just a cold turd on a paper plate."
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!" (I'm not exactly sure what that one means, but it sounds funny).
Line from a John Waters movie if I smell something yucky: "Find that odor and eliminate it!"
Line I use on my kids when they whine about wanting things: "Well, people in hell want ice water, too."
I learned most of these growing up and I use them often. What are some of your special sayings?
And also, I only have one submission for secrets for tomorrow. I'll post just that one and come up with some more asinine stuff to blather about. If you want to send one, my email is eviltwinswife@gmail.com. Maybe I'll even bring the girls out for the weekend. Nothing like a couple of breasts right before Thanksgiving! (no promises, though).
I pulled out a really old one yesterday - goes all the way back to my days in the Grunts.
ReplyDelete"Ours is not to question why, ours is but to do or die."
I've got a shit ton of them, but of course I can't remember them when I'm put on the spot...
I use "dumber than a box of rocks" and the "pissing on someone if they were on fire" as well. Too funny! Nice one, ETW! And yes, PLEASE do unleash the girls for us... PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSSEE?!?!?!?!?
You can pound sand up your ass all day, it still won't make it a beach!
ReplyDeleteusually said to somebody who is making some pie in the sky demand at work
-I hear ya chirping big bird
ReplyDelete-Crap on a stick !!
-i'm busier than a 1 legged man in an ass kicking contest
Oh and everyone loves the girls...
ReplyDeleteThose are pretty original ETW, haven't heard most of them before.
ReplyDeleteWe use 'dumb as a sack of hammers', pretty close to the box of rocks.
Love the 'icewater' one, LOL.
Man, it's hotter then a jalepeno in a heat wave...
ReplyDelete(obviously said when it's hotter then HELL outside, Hell being KS in Mid August)
I might have to use the teeth pissing one..instant classic right there!
LOL at yours.
ReplyDeleteChandra's answer reminded me that I used to describe Florida as being "hotter than demon sperm."
I once was forced to go to a Scientology thing for work (long story) but the speaker was very funny and from SanFran and he described someone who was busy as being "busier than a blind queer at a weenie roast." Something's wrong with those Scientology people but it stuck in my mind.
I tend to be "busier than ten motherfuckers looking for a mother to fuck."
Rather than calling the slut the ex cheated with a whore, I just say "she'd been passed around more than a collection plate at a tent revival."
When my old bosses would ask to move a deadline up to something impossible, instead of saying no, I'd say, "Yeah, and I'd like a raise but that's not going to happen either."
Holy Crap Batman!
ReplyDeleteWant in one hand, shit in the other, see which fills up faster
I know several, but am drawing a blank...
"Better than a sharp stick in the eye!"
ReplyDelete"Sweating like a whore in church"
"Useless as tits on a boar hog."
"I'm touching cotton!"(i.e. gotta crap)
Hrm - I'm not sure now that my childhood language lessons specialized in 'colorful.' My former MIL had a whole raft of funny sayings; but she was from the South where they specialize in such things.
ReplyDeleteI'm sweating like a whore in church.
ReplyDeleteSoLow - Too funny! We'll see...
ReplyDeleteRazorbeck - I'll have to remember that one, it's great!
Doc - I forgot about the "busier than a 1 legged man in a butt kicking contest". I say that a lot. And, thanks. :-)
Powdergirl - I think most of them are original to being raised in the South. LOL.
Chandra - I usually say "Hotter than Hades" or "Hotter than blue blazes"... It can get hot, can't it?
BB - Those are hilarious! TET refers to sluts as "she's taken more turns than a door knob".
Cara - Those are great!
Ron - I love the "touching cotton" line. Too freaking funny!
Tiff - Us Southerners like to come up with alternate ways to describe something. Must be in the genes.
Ron - LOL!
Those are all great sayings!! I know I've got some good ones, but I'm too tired to think of any right now.
ReplyDeleteI love fistful of assholes, but most of my sayings aren't things that other people would think are funny. Mostly they're inside jokes with my sister. We'll say "tinkle" if one of us is repeating a story the other one's heard, or "it's like I always say," when something weird or unseemly happens. For instance, once at a Halloween party, I remarked to her, "It's like I always say, it's not Halloween until you see someone's vag hanging out." Stuff like that. ;)
ReplyDeleteMost of my sayings came from my Gram Irish, and she was from Northern Maine.
ReplyDeleteShe apparently had a fascination with urine, as I was generally either "full of piss and vinegar", "piss on a stick" or simply "had the piss shivers".
There were plenty more, but I can't think of them right now.
Here's a few:
ReplyDeleteShe is so windy she could blow up and onion sack.
I gotta drop the kids off at the pools (gotta take a crap).
Gonna drop the Browns off at the Super Bowl (another crap reference).
Slicker than snot on a door knob.
Some times life is like crap on a crap cracker.
Take picture it will last longer.
When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
When some one cuts a stinker..."Something crawled up in you and died!"
...Al...
Oh, I remembered more:
ReplyDelete1. Even a blind hog will find an acorn every now and then.
2. The one-eyed man is king, in the land of the blind.
3. She is so stuck up that she thinks her crap don't stink.
4. I bet you never had hemmoroids, because your a perfect ass hole.
...Al...
my mother had a million zingers....and my father's favorite was about poor children in China....for everything from dinner to clothes. i just say fuck with everything.
ReplyDeleteDumped me faster than an ugly girl on prom night.
ReplyDeleteShe's so ugly, she has a head like a bashed cabbage.
ReplyDeleteOR that kid fell out of the ugly tree, and hit a few branches on the way down.
Thirsty according to my mother:
Dry as a dead dingoe's donger in the desert. (my mothers fave)
Iam so hungry, i could eat a horse and chase the jockey...etc
Thick as five short planks.
ReplyDeleteI may be fat, but I can always lose weight, you will always be a fugly.
He has more chins than a chinese phonebook.
I have more ups and downs than a whore's nightie.
Maybe I am too kind, but I haven't every heard of any of those expressions.
ReplyDeleteMy friends always tease me about odd phrases that I use. Of course theres the classic
ReplyDelete"No sense in beating a dead horse"
I also say "Crapass!" a lot and I call a cash register a "till" ... can't think of anything else right at this moment.
Oh! "somebody hit her with an Ugly Stick"
ReplyDeleteIf wishes were horses even begars would ride
ReplyDeleteQuit pulling your goalie, an euphamism for onanism or not working
Half miler, some one who doesn't finish a job
dog f****r, self explanatory I thinkl
Sorry I am late to the party...
ReplyDeleteWhen I see something funny, I say, "That's as funny as a monkey trying to fuck a football!"
I also frequently say, "lick my butt"
and
"That tastes/smells like ass"
I know I am a bit late with this but here are my 2 cents worth....
ReplyDelete"Doing that is like making love in a wetsuit. You go through the motions but don't feel a thing."
"I have mixed emotions, like watching my ex wife drive off the cliff in my brand new un-insured Cadillac."
"Boy, nothin gets by you. You are as sharp as a marble!"