I have so much to be thankful for. I have a great husband and two really wonderful kids. We live in a nice house (not anything special, but ours). You'd think that would be enough.
But, sometimes, I indulge in behaviours that don't reflect my love of my family and surroundings. I hurt those I love the most.
I don't really have anyone left in my life besides the Evil Twin and the kids. My parents are both deceased and I have very few friends. It's not for lack of trying in the friend department either. It's just that I think my friends and I live really different lives at this point. Some of those I consider closest to me work full time and have limited time outside of their own families.
Some have just grown distant. Some I feel like I make more effort than they do, so then I start thinking that maybe that's on purpose (i.e. they may be trying to "give me a hint" and I don't take it). I don't know. I'm feeling very alone right now. Very sad.
This is a side of me I rarely let show here, so it may make you as uncomfortable to read this as it is for me to write it.
As of today, I vow to be a happier person, to be a better person - to respect myself and my family enough to do the right things.
You might sense this has been a tough week for me. It has been, but I know that I've been here before and once the anti-anxiety meds fully take effect, I will be much calmer and relaxed.
Today seems like a perfect pool day. Nothing makes me happier than being near water - be it pool or ocean or river or lake. Hell, even a bathtub makes me happy.
I guess you could say that for all my faults, at least I'm easy to please.
{{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteYou have tons of friends :)
Hope the pool and/or bathtub helps make you feel a bit better.
I was just thinking how lucky I was to find a friend (and as adults, that's difficult!) Who shares my love of wine, books, humor, water, moisturizer, bitchy sarcasm....and who knows what else :). Ron is right...you are positively rich with friends!
ReplyDeleteI'm like that about water too, so I try to be near it at all times. Hope you can stick with your decisions!
ReplyDeleteAh, I know whereof you speak. Self-doubt is teh suck.
ReplyDeleteKeep strong, woman, and enjoy the pool.
We all have those days, and plenty of them the older we get. It's feast or famine: too much to do and not enough time or time enough to wonder where all the folks who do fun things went without us.
ReplyDeleteTotally not being fascitious here, but...it's days like this when it's especially important to dig down deep to reach for your Inner Freddie Mercury to find that part of the Fredessence that says "Yes, we all have regrets and down moments, but look at the ways I've been blessed." It appears this is the path you are taking with this post. Freddie would be pleased.
Now take it one step further and remember a time when your loneliness knew no bounds (we've all had them too). Recognize how far you've come from then and celebrate the day you have now.
PS: There's a little wave after the anxiety meds start washing the overbearing anxiety away when the mind is able to rest and get some down time. After all of the constant anxious bombardment, it can feel a little down too. It will pass (sometimes into a wave of floaty that's mighty nice).
Well, heck, if I lived closer, I'd bring a bottle of wine and come play. You'd be great to have as a friend.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about posting on "being thankful" for a couple of days and then you just swooped on in and stole it :-p
ReplyDeleteJust kidding of course, I'll probably still do it!
I bet that some of your friends who you feel distant from are probably closer than you think :-)
Odd, but I was planning to blog on this very subject later. I have been feeling very friendless lately, as if maybe my alter ego did something horrible to all of my friends that I was unaware of.
ReplyDeleteI've been super anxious, too , so maybe it has something to do with that???
I think loneliness is the major reason people start blogs. I know I started mine out of boredom because my friends were pretty much occuppied elsewhere. The good thing is that over time a lot of your friends will be feeling the same way, and they'll be back at your door. In the meantime, you've got us! :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe it is in a name.....I feel the same way a lot of the time and my way to "redemption" is to vacuum my life away.....my way to sort of earn my place on earth and breathe. I am not particularly friendly and always think the same way about friends that are a bit distant....but you have those reserves of close family and you will get past this....it's in a name I think.
ReplyDeleteFriendship seems so much harder as adults. I don't know why.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't help that with this weird online world, there's a whole new class of friendships - you can be real and true friends, I believe, with someone you've never actually laid eyes upon. Which can be a wonderful thing, but there is no substitute for an afternoon of face-to-face chatter and physical presence. And sometimes I become even more aware of my own isolation when I have a good online interaction.
Which has nothing to do with what you posted, but it's on my mind, so there.
Sigh. I do understand. About the isolation, the self-doubts, the sense that I'm always the initiator... all of it. Bites.
I hope that today is better for you - and that the pool time worked.
ReplyDeleteI wish that we lived closer. I would have a blast hanging out with you!
I've had bouts of 'friendlessness' all my life. People come & go and I feel like I'm the stable one, always there. I've learned that for me it's better if I don't have any one close friendship, but rather, have several 'friendly' friendships. And I know it is me that mainly pulls away when people try to get too close. I wouldn't mind a close friendship, but every one I've had has ended either by the other person's death, moving away, or they just get too pissy/snobby to be around anymore.
ReplyDeleteI do really enjoy my blog friendships though. I've lost very few of them, lol!
I could have written this myself. I'm a mom with 4 daughters, what family I have left is out of state. At least we both seem to have great kids! It would be nice to have more, though. I agree with an above poster- seems harder to cultivate & keep friendships as we get older.
ReplyDeleteI peek in your blog now & then from WVSR, hope you don't mind-
Lindsay in Charleston WV