For me, it goes beyond that. It's that feeling, plus the feeling that I don't want to be seen. And by "seen", I mean, I don't want to leave my house. I don't want to go to the store. I don't want to go to the school to drop off or pick up Sissy, I don't want to do anything that would cause me to interact with others.
When I had my doctor's appointment on Thursday, I thought I was going to have a heart attack before I even left the house. I took my Ativan, as prescribed, and forced myself. By the time they took my blood pressure, it was sky high (even though I take my blood pressure meds exactly as prescribed, like clockwork).
I don't want to be gone completely (like dead, nothing that extreme). I just want to "check out" for a day or two or three.
I think I'm just exhausted.
I know things will get better. The Evil Twin has his PET scan coming up and so that's nerve wracking, then we have the holidays, the anniversary of my mom's passing and the financial stress on top of all of it.
I don't know how much more I can take.
I know life isn't fair and life isn't all neat and tidy and laid out "just so"....Sometimes, we get curve balls.
And sometimes, we get hit upside the head with the damn ball. Head pounding, trying to catch my breath and wondering when it'll get better...it can make Evil Twin's Wife a little squirrelly, if you know what I mean.
As Dory says, "Keep swimming...keep swimming." Or, as I sometimes say to myself, "Press on, soldier." I don't have a choice, do I?
Love,
Rosemary, I have times like that too, although I have never had to take meds for it. I am sorry that you are struggling, but I know you have had tremendous stress lately and it is understandable. We can only take so much before we feel we'll explode. But it will get better, and we simply have to look for the light at the end of the tunnel - no matter how long it takes it to show up. I wish there was something I could do to help.
ReplyDeleteI wish that we lived nearby so that we could do something to help. You are being hit from all sides with stress and exhaustion. You are handling this incredibly well, but I hate that we're not there to help ease the load for you somehow. I love you.
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