I Should Be Committed

It's like I mentally stopped growing somewhere around age 10, maybe 18 or so. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that I'm a married mom of two and a two time homeowner. Well liked and respected by my church community and other adults I meet at my son's school. I bet they think I'm completely normal! Well, until they see my tattoos maybe....

Just the other night, we had spaghetti for dinner. The Evil Twin always helps me after dinner by cleaning off the dishes and loading the dishwasher while I put leftovers in containers and clean up the rest of the kitchen and the dining room table (not to mention cleaning off Sissy - who was SO covered in spaghetti, I just had to put her in the bath right after dinner!). So, we have this system going. I was at the stove wrapping the leftover bread in foil.

When finished, it resembled a large, silver penis. Not being able to resist, I wagged it about crotch level and said, "Hey, honey." The Evil Twin turned from the sink and laughed at my disgusting display. Then, he said, "You know you are too old to be acting like that." and I said, "Oh, right - this coming from the almost 50 year old man who holds up cucumbers or zucchini at the market and asks 'Does this remind you of anything?' " No room to talk, there, mister!

If someone farts, we all laugh, but usually the person who did it will try to blame it on the bird - or the baby. She's a gassy one (the baby).

While I'm at it, I'll reveal another shameful tale that I still laugh about, many years later. I think I've mentioned here (and everywhere) that I really will not use a public toilet for #2 unless it is a downright emergency - and luckily, that has not happened to be the case often. After Sissy was born, we were at Walmart and my stomach started really, really hurting. When a sweat broke out on my upper lip, I knew there was only one option for me and that was to utilize the public restroom.

It was a serious situation and I was just silently praying, hoping, that no one around me was getting woozy from the vapors or could hear the carrying-on that accompanied said vapors.

I sat there for a while to try to wait out the current occupants and then I would make my move to slink out among new patrons who would have no clue where the horrid act was committed and therefore, would not know it was me. After all, I planned on washing my hands, so I didn't want to rush out - in a walk/run of shame.

When I finally found the Evil Twin and the kids, he kindly asked me if I was alright and I said that I was now - "But there was a brown light special going on in the restroom." Thank goodness he finds me plenty amusing, which is one reason he keeps me around. I can't talk about the other reason, although if you're smart and you use your powers of reasonable deduction, you can probably guess it.