Brain Dead

I'm a little brain dead this morning. There for a while, I went through a period where I had terrible insomnia. Now, I can't stay awake to save my life!

I get in bed fairly early and do some reading or play a game (I'm currently on Candy Crush, if you didn't already know), then the next thing I know, I'm out like a light.

Typically, I wake up around 4A, but for the last week, I've been sleeping until my alarm goes off at 6. And even that's been rough. I've never been a morning person and don't expect I'll ever become one, so that's not much of a surprise.

Anyway, I drag my sorry self out of bed this morning and get my day rolling. Buddy has to be at school an hour before Sissy does, so I wake him up, he does his thing and when he leaves to walk to school, then I wake Sissy up, get her breakfast, dress her, and fix her ice water and snack for the school day.

Shortly before it was time for us to head out, I told her to get her shoes on, then let me brush her hair real quick. THEN she says, "Wait! I need to write a short piece for a make up page in my journal."

WHHHAAATTT?? I have my car keys IN.MY.HAND. I said, "Sorry, missy, we have to go NOW. You had all weekend if you had work to do for school, you neglected to do it and now we have to leave. Perhaps Mrs. K will let you finish it in class if there's a chance."

So, she did what any self-respecting 7 year old (or myself) would do and started crying. However, her tears were no match for the anal intensity of my need to BE.ON.TIME.

This was after I didn't want to get out of bed in the first place, woke up to find that the cat had peed on the couch (again) and then proceeded to listen to the neighbors' dog bark incessantly for about an hour and a half. I was just in no mood.

I did get her to school in time - and even without tears, I might add - hers or mine.

I had planned on a trip to the grocery for today, but in my now foul and anxiety ridden soul, I'll just procrastinate and do it tomorrow. Yes, on senior day. It's no skin off my nose. I'm never in a hurry anyway, so shuffle away busload of seniors. Ya got nothing on me.

Happy Monday, hooligans!

Love,

Insanity

I'm losing it over here. I can't stop laughing about the recent absurdity in my life. There's always some sort of chaos going on. For those of you who read my former blog, also by the same name, you'll understand what I'm talking about.

I had to change my blog location due to various assholes, so IF I catch wind of an asshole round these parts (I track ISPs), I will block you. But, for all my other favorites and people who are decent: read your hearts out. I'm like a phoenix, baby.

The Evil Twin and I have had a helluva couple of years now. First, my going into rehab and struggling to stay sober and on the program (it's tough!) and then a few months later, he was diagnosed with cancer. Metastatic disease of the neck, specifically. What it means in regular people terms is: neck cancer. It's pretty rare and he had a particularly unusual case - making it even more of a mystery for the oncologists to work out a proper plan.

It was decided that he'd undergo some seriously aggressive radiation and chemotherapy. Originally, he was slated for 7 weeks. Radiation every day, Monday thru Friday, for 35 sessions and chemo once a week concurrently.

A little set back the week prior to his last few treatments got him a one way ticket to the ER where he was admitted. He was severely dehydrated and his white blood cell count was dangerously low. They kept him in the hospital, in isolation, for about 3.5 days. They did not resume his treatments until the following week, which meant his 7 week ordeal became 8, even though one of those weeks was "off" while he recuperated in the hospital.

At the onset of this devastating news, I had a relapse. I felt out of control and scared and I fell back to what I knew would (at least temporarily) help me forget things and feel "normal" (whatever that means) again.

Well, the ol' shit hit the fan and when word got out to family and friends, most of them dropped me like a hot potato.

How could I do this to him, to our family, at this crucial time?

The truth is I didn't do it TO anybody. I did it to self-medicate and I had no thoughts of who I might be harming around me or how that would look. When you're an alcoholic, sometimes, just getting that drug back in your system seems like the only solution to EVERYTHING. In reality, it's the downfall of everything, but an alcoholic doesn't use rational thinking during times like this if they're not prepared with the proper spiritual tools to cope. I wasn't. So, I fell.

I apologized. I bounced right back and got back on my program, but it fell on deaf ears this time. My own mother in law and the Evil Twin's brother both ignored me, wouldn't take my phone calls, never called to check on me and when they needed to know about the Evil Twin, they called each other and far as I know, made stuff up. They weren't getting info from me (because they didn't bother to call or return my calls) and they weren't talking to him because he was too ill to do anything. I'm sure it went thru the famous "Brenda Filter" (that's what we call the filter my now ex mother in law uses to make up her own truths.).

Anypoodle, this all boils down to her issuing a statement that "If I loved my family, I should leave them alone and go off and be a drunk." There was also a statement about how I "didn't need to drag them down to the pits of hell where an alcoholic is."

I resent the fact that I was characterized as someone who didn't love my family enough to stop drinking. The truth is: I hated myself so much I couldn't stop drinking. To blame someone for an illness they never wanted is just flat out wrong.

When I was a child, I never said my prayers and then added, "Oh yeah, I'd like to be an alcoholic, too" anymore than the person with diabetes or cancer did when they were a child - or even as an adult for that matter. NO ONE WANTS IT.

It's disheartening and reprehensible in my book that after 21 of loving their son, their brother, they threw me under the bus for one mistake I apologized profusely for and even tried to give them the tools to understand why a person like me would do such a thing.

At any rate, I'm back. My site needs some TLC and I'll have to work on some re-formatting, but until I get enough free time, this'll have to do. Sorry 'bout that. But, I am glad to be back my hooligans! I've missed you!

Love,